Tag Archives: Saturday Night Live

Bond, Bri-Wi, Raiders, Joe 6-pack, and Michelle

15. James Bond

I grew up watching Mr. Bond change from Connery to Brosnan, and I have to say that I think he would be an excellent president. He’s suave, smooth, and hella sexy in all situations. He may not be the biggest fan of the pro-feminist movement, but with his latest film (Quantum of Solace) showing a softer side, I can imagine his working with charities to save endangered animals. And let’s not forget that he can always counteract his womanizer tendencies by making Miss Moneypenny his VP candidate. She put up with James’s philandering ways for years, so it’ll be nothing to win over the rulers of other nations while still keeping them at a respectable distance. Though I have yet to see the movie, I feel that he is going to be far better at the whole revenge thing than Dubya has been with Iraq. But really, how kickass would it be to have James freaking Bond as our president? Pretty damn amazing.

14. Brian Williams

If you don’t watch NBC Nightly News, you’re missing out on one of the best news shows on television. When Brian Williams took over for Tom Brokaw in 2004, the show really took a different turn. It’s not that I don’t like Brokaw, I do, but Brian Williams has one defining difference. He revels in laughing at himself. I mean, he was the first national news anchor to ever host Saturday Night Live, and I’m fairly sure that he was the first anchor to ever appear as a giant floating head on The Daily Show. But Bri-Wi has a serious side, too. Though he did spend a little time working for President Carter, I feel he’s learned far more in his current role. His extensive journalism experience has given him foreign policy experience (Princess Diana’s funeral, Indian tsunami, the Olympics), crisis management training (Virginia Tech, bridge collapse), and a sense of what this country needs. He was there for Hurricane Katrina, inside the superdome. When Pres. Bush was nowhere to be found, Brian Williams was there. I know he’s going to be there for us in the future, I only wish he were in a position to use his experience and influence to right the wrongs rather than simply drawing our attention to them. But I’ll take all I can get.

13. Graham Harrel and Michael Crabtree

Originally, this was my “for that one person I’ll realize that I forgot” spot. But hell, if I forgot someone, tough luck, because these two men deserve all the recognition in the world. While McCain was desperately trying to be funny on SNL to gain a last-minute boost, Harrel and Crabtree were delivering the first win over a top-ranked team for the Texas Tech fans. A stellar, heart-stopping one at that. Do I go to Tech? No, and I took pride in flaunting Mizzou’s heavy-handed victory over my father last year. But when Harrel sailed that pass into Crabtree’s arms, I held my breath. Two seconds later, it came out in a scream as Crabtree crossed the line. How many Americans can say that we get that excited about anything our government does? I mean, if I tried to hold my breath for the end of the war in Iraq, I would have passed out about five billion times by now. And with the rest of the team designated to suitable cabinet positions, we’re sure to keep the rest of the world on its toes, squeaking out a success just in time. Because, as the fans will (and did last night) tell you, Texas Tech is no joke. And neither is America, something the rest of the world needs to remember.

12. Joe 6-pack

There are people who would say that all Sarah Palin did when she started using the term “Joe 6-pack” was give college students the easiest Halloween costume ever. But I say that she made people realize just how many of them are better suited for the job than her running mate. Or at least how different her running mate is from Joe 6-pack. McCain talks a lot about wanting to work for the middle class, the Joe 6-pack, but how can a man who owns 7 houses know what people concerned with only one household need? Joe 6-pack may not have any real foreign policy experience or a record of service to the country, but damn it, he knows that No Child Left Behind is leaving his kid behind. He knows that the Bush tax cuts aren’t helping his class. He knows that it’s time to get out of Iraq and bring his kid home before it’s too late. Joe 6-pack is much better equipped than Senator McCain to do what’s right for the majority of the country, because what’s right for the country is what’s right for him. So let’s let Joe do what’s Americans do best: look out for #1. He’ll be doing us all a favor.

11. Michelle Obama

We have not seen a woman this graceful and poised since Jackie O., I’m pretty sure. And I named my oldest dog after our most glamorous First Lady, so you can be sure that she was a winner. I’m very careful about what I name things. Michelle is the best of America in one person. She grew up in a family that was pretty much the epitome of the American dream, meaning that they spent a lot of family time together at the dinner table and over board games. That’s more than John McCain can say for his own family, seeing as how the man running on behalf of family values left his wife for ‘the other woman’ (nothing against Cindy, now, but it’s a fact). And Michelle went to Princeton, then Harvard Law, which explains her sharp wit. She’s not someone who relishes the campaign circuit, but she could have fooled me with her speeches. I think she’s a far stronger role model for young girls than Sarah Palin, certainly, because she actually supports her own gender. And let’s not forget that, like Bri-Wi, she isn’t afraid to laugh at herself or her husband. Let’s put a little grace and humor back into the White House, please.

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Mr. Rogers, Tina, and the Red Sox

57. Mr. Rogers

Although Mr. Rogers has gone on the the neighborhood in the sky, we could hire some people to go over all of his shows and make decisions based on the advice that he gives children. Because that’s what America is – a nation of giant children. And yeah, I’m aware that he’s old, even in most of the show, but he doesn’t have that terrifying mummy look that turns people off McCain. He wears sweaters. Sweater-wearing old men aren’t scary, they’re adorable and snuggly. Which is why when he appeared in a court of law (on behalf of VCRs) or in front of Congress on numerous occasions, they always sided with him. He has a delightful agreeableness about him that is unable to be denied, even by the most unpleasant of people. Dude, if America started out every peace negotiation with, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I feel like the foreign dignitaries would say, “Sure, sounds awesome. Let’s not fight. Hug it out?” And they would.

56. Tina Fey

Did you see Saturday Night Live a couple of nights ago? Or perhaps online? Because I did. And it was fabulous. I think that Tina has done THE most excellent job this season with her spoofs of Gov. Sarah Palin, because she’s actually using Palin’s own words. In fact, by the time that Sarah Palin showed up on Saturday, there wasn’t a whole lot for her to do except stand idly by as Alec Baldwin, Fey, and Amy Poehler made fun of her. But Tina Fey also has legit qualifications. Like the ability to have a baby, make a movie, and start a TV series all at the same time. If she can balance those three things, then she should be able to balance Congress, the economy, and the war in Iraq. Plus, she gets increasingly funny when cornered. Much better than getting increasingly adorable, because she’ll be able to mock herself.
And for those of you who think Gov. Palin should be president? Take a look at the future you propose: http://www.palinaspresident.us/

55. The Red Sox

Shut your face, I know they just lost. But that’s why it’s perfect, see? Now they’re free. I think that the Red Sox as a functioning unit could pretty much take over the US government. I would make Jason Varitek the Prez himself (after all, he is team captain) so that Francona could be the Secretary of Defense. I toyed with the idea of Francona as commander-in-chief, but he’s just too much of a bamf. He’d intimidate the other world leaders with his ability to stare them down while still chewing heartily on a ginormous piece of bubble gum. In addition, I’d nominate Coco Crisp for VP because how awesome would it be to have a cereal as our VP (jk, Coco, I adore you, have your jersey). Then I’d just HAVE to make Big Papi our Secretary of State because he’s large and pleasant with a decidedly un-American accent. And considering how Americans are perceived abroad, it’s probably best if people can pretend our Secretary of State ISN’T American. The amazing thing about the Red Sox is that they are always entertaining. They might lose in the end, but they make a hell of a show of it. And that’s what we need right now, someone entertaining who pulls out all the stops and occasionally gets a win. At least one win per 4-year term, is that too much to ask? Coco says no.