Tag Archives: Princeton

Bond, Bri-Wi, Raiders, Joe 6-pack, and Michelle

15. James Bond

I grew up watching Mr. Bond change from Connery to Brosnan, and I have to say that I think he would be an excellent president. He’s suave, smooth, and hella sexy in all situations. He may not be the biggest fan of the pro-feminist movement, but with his latest film (Quantum of Solace) showing a softer side, I can imagine his working with charities to save endangered animals. And let’s not forget that he can always counteract his womanizer tendencies by making Miss Moneypenny his VP candidate. She put up with James’s philandering ways for years, so it’ll be nothing to win over the rulers of other nations while still keeping them at a respectable distance. Though I have yet to see the movie, I feel that he is going to be far better at the whole revenge thing than Dubya has been with Iraq. But really, how kickass would it be to have James freaking Bond as our president? Pretty damn amazing.

14. Brian Williams

If you don’t watch NBC Nightly News, you’re missing out on one of the best news shows on television. When Brian Williams took over for Tom Brokaw in 2004, the show really took a different turn. It’s not that I don’t like Brokaw, I do, but Brian Williams has one defining difference. He revels in laughing at himself. I mean, he was the first national news anchor to ever host Saturday Night Live, and I’m fairly sure that he was the first anchor to ever appear as a giant floating head on The Daily Show. But Bri-Wi has a serious side, too. Though he did spend a little time working for President Carter, I feel he’s learned far more in his current role. His extensive journalism experience has given him foreign policy experience (Princess Diana’s funeral, Indian tsunami, the Olympics), crisis management training (Virginia Tech, bridge collapse), and a sense of what this country needs. He was there for Hurricane Katrina, inside the superdome. When Pres. Bush was nowhere to be found, Brian Williams was there. I know he’s going to be there for us in the future, I only wish he were in a position to use his experience and influence to right the wrongs rather than simply drawing our attention to them. But I’ll take all I can get.

13. Graham Harrel and Michael Crabtree

Originally, this was my “for that one person I’ll realize that I forgot” spot. But hell, if I forgot someone, tough luck, because these two men deserve all the recognition in the world. While McCain was desperately trying to be funny on SNL to gain a last-minute boost, Harrel and Crabtree were delivering the first win over a top-ranked team for the Texas Tech fans. A stellar, heart-stopping one at that. Do I go to Tech? No, and I took pride in flaunting Mizzou’s heavy-handed victory over my father last year. But when Harrel sailed that pass into Crabtree’s arms, I held my breath. Two seconds later, it came out in a scream as Crabtree crossed the line. How many Americans can say that we get that excited about anything our government does? I mean, if I tried to hold my breath for the end of the war in Iraq, I would have passed out about five billion times by now. And with the rest of the team designated to suitable cabinet positions, we’re sure to keep the rest of the world on its toes, squeaking out a success just in time. Because, as the fans will (and did last night) tell you, Texas Tech is no joke. And neither is America, something the rest of the world needs to remember.

12. Joe 6-pack

There are people who would say that all Sarah Palin did when she started using the term “Joe 6-pack” was give college students the easiest Halloween costume ever. But I say that she made people realize just how many of them are better suited for the job than her running mate. Or at least how different her running mate is from Joe 6-pack. McCain talks a lot about wanting to work for the middle class, the Joe 6-pack, but how can a man who owns 7 houses know what people concerned with only one household need? Joe 6-pack may not have any real foreign policy experience or a record of service to the country, but damn it, he knows that No Child Left Behind is leaving his kid behind. He knows that the Bush tax cuts aren’t helping his class. He knows that it’s time to get out of Iraq and bring his kid home before it’s too late. Joe 6-pack is much better equipped than Senator McCain to do what’s right for the majority of the country, because what’s right for the country is what’s right for him. So let’s let Joe do what’s Americans do best: look out for #1. He’ll be doing us all a favor.

11. Michelle Obama

We have not seen a woman this graceful and poised since Jackie O., I’m pretty sure. And I named my oldest dog after our most glamorous First Lady, so you can be sure that she was a winner. I’m very careful about what I name things. Michelle is the best of America in one person. She grew up in a family that was pretty much the epitome of the American dream, meaning that they spent a lot of family time together at the dinner table and over board games. That’s more than John McCain can say for his own family, seeing as how the man running on behalf of family values left his wife for ‘the other woman’ (nothing against Cindy, now, but it’s a fact). And Michelle went to Princeton, then Harvard Law, which explains her sharp wit. She’s not someone who relishes the campaign circuit, but she could have fooled me with her speeches. I think she’s a far stronger role model for young girls than Sarah Palin, certainly, because she actually supports her own gender. And let’s not forget that, like Bri-Wi, she isn’t afraid to laugh at herself or her husband. Let’s put a little grace and humor back into the White House, please.

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Dalai Lama, Ralph Nader and Batman

I know, I know, I’m really late with this one, but tomorrow’s is going to be extra-good to compensate.

36. Dalai Lama

If you’re thinking that this is a cliche, then you clearly already realize that he’s a great world leader. His Holiness might be a controversial figure, since he’s the current spiritual leader of Buddhism and all, but despite the fact that our money would read “In Buddha We Trust,” I know that he would be a kick-ass leader. Let’s review the man’s record. He’s never started a war, in fact he went into exile when his people were taken over in Tibet. Now, you might see this as a weakness, but I see this as a refusal to endorse violence, and I’m all about that. Plus, it’s really a win-win situation. Not only do we get a ridiculously wise and calm leader who’s never had a relationship scandal, but he also gets to live somewhere NOT in exile. Plus, last year we gave him a US Congressional Gold Medal. This is our chance to reclaim our outsourced honor and bring the medal home. 

35. Ralph Nader

Nader knows what it takes to lose an election. And I gotta say, it takes a lot of guts to keep on coming back every four years. I mean, can you think of a single Olympic athlete who’s lost through 3 Olympics cycles and still come back for more? I can’t. That’s what America needs. Not a loser – perseverence. Now, I know he’s from Connecticut, but we’ll try not to hold that against him, since he chose to leave the state for college (Princeton then Harvard Law). He’s a friend to non-profits and causes, which would be a huge change from having a president who quietly puts down half the causes his wife publicly works toward. I mean, the man founded NGO. How much more does he have to do to convince you that he cares about people? Appear on Sesame Street? Oh, wait, he did that. Thanks, 1988.

34. Batman

Many people have suggested that the man in black would be a good solution to our current political problem. I agree. He’s been syndicated in more than 10 languages all over the world, so people of other nations know his good deeds. And let’s not forget the films that they’ve also more than likely seen, much better than the Michael Moore films they’ve seen of Bush. I feel like McCain was also in at least one of those… Anyhow, Batman would definitely help with crime control. Of course, in order to protect the entire nation, Batman would need to take some lessons on time management from Santa Clause. But since he’ll only be teaching him about how to visit thousands of homes (or crime sites) a night and not how to make his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly, I think it’s something he could learn during his short tenure as President Elect. Robin, of course, will be a non-threatening VP choice. He’s psyched. Holy craters, Batman! Does this mean that we can finally legalize gay marriage and have that white wedding I’ve been dreaming about? Oh, Master Dick. If only Alfred were around to keep you in check.