Tag Archives: No Child Left Behind

Finale: read the top 5 then get off your butt and go vote!

5. Dumbledore

There is only one thing that Americans love more than gratuitous violence and eating at McDonald’s. That’s the Harry Potter book series. And where would that book series be without its wizened guru Dumbledore? Nowhere. He’s the man behind the curtain, as we learn in the last couple of Rowling’s books. He pulls the strings and endures harsh critique. He’s not scared to be unpopular with the masses so long as he’s doing what is right. In fact, he could be easily compared to George W. Bush in that manner, except that Dumbledore actually found his “WMDs” as it were and, with a little help from a teenager, got his man. Of course, the most obvious area we need the help of the world’s greatest headmaster in is education. After running Hogwarts, the US education system should be no problem at all. But it is Dumbledore’s eccentricities that will make the media endorse him as a presidential candidate. Because, as we have learned, they love to make fun of people for their odd habits, so long as you’re not a cold, heartless woman. The media would relish the idea of spending the next 4-8 years mocking Dumbledore’s fascination with socks.

4. Bono

Traditionally, we don’t really look to the Irish for our leadership models. But Bono has used his incredibe influence to change the world already, why not import is a little Irish change in 2008? People are quick to criticize the front man for being after public acclaim rather than simply working for the benefit of his causes, but these critics make up a very small percentage of the world population. The rest of us adore him. Despite the fact that he started as a musician (some band called U2? I don’t know, apparently they’re “famous”), he has since perfected his ability to multi-task, and he can now be a member of a chart-topping band while also fighting the AIDS pandemic, helping stop poverty in Africa, cofounding DATA and Product Red, and acting in Across the Universe. There’s no reason NOT to jump on board this gravy train of Bono’s.¬†After all, his future’s so bright he’s gotta wear shades.

3. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison

People not from Texas are lost at this point. People who know Texas are probably like, yes! Why has she NEVER run?!?!? OMG, guys, I’m nominating a long-time Republican…what is wrong with me? I think it seeped into my head after living in the Lone Star State for so long. It’s hard to kick the Conservative habit, sometimes, but Kay Bailey is so much more than a simple Conservative. She cares more about the people of her state than any other government official I’ve written to, which is saying something. I’ve written a lot of people. I know Kay Bailey could deal with being the first female president because she dealt with being the first female senator from Texas already, as well as the first senator to pull more than 4 million votes (in 2000). She’s been in office most of my life, and all of my little sister’s life. She’s written two books about powerful women and their influence, she supports Roe v. Wade, she often works with democrats on issues that don’t exactly line up with her party’s beliefs, and there are rumors of her running for governor in 2010. We’ll just have to make sure she appoints someone that cares about the environment to balance out her one downfall, and we’ll be golden.

2. Barack Obama

I warned you people he wouldn’t be number one, but I’ll make a brief list of why he’s #2, and why he’s definitely #1 on the ballot you’ll vote with.

  • He cares about education, and wants to change the rules on No Child Left Behind. He knows that the last thing schools with low test scores need is to lose their funding.
  • He can raise his arms above his head.
  • He has a timeline to remove troops from Iraq in the next 2 years.¬†
  • He wants to mandate health coverage for all children, among other things in his plan.
  • Have you SEEN him smile? It’s like looking at goodness.
  • He cares about the rest of the world, which is why he would try to influence countries we trade with to use good business practices.
  • He will engage in diplomacy with nations to find peace without them meeting conditions first – even if that means it’s BYOB.
  • He has a plan to help people pay to go to college. And with a little sister heading for more schooling, I can’t think of a better time to elect him. Okay, maybe before I went to college…

There are additional reasons, but those are what I feel are the most important. John McCain disagrees (or at least has a fundamentally different plan) with the way that Obama wants to approach these issues, especially education. Please vote for our future.

1. Kinky Friedman

That’s right. I did it. You didn’t think I would, did you? He writes mystery books, political criticism books, supports a stray dog ranch, has his own brand of cigars, and plays in a band, none of which are prereqs for being the Commander in Chief. But here he is, the one man that had a better plan for the education system (at least in Texas), and one that I swear Senator Obama used for his inspiration. I supported Kinky through his (unsuccessful) fight for governor because I believed in his ability to change what was wrong with my state after a few years of Bush and Perry. But really, I think that our nation could do with a lot more change than Texas needs. We’ve got a few things right, like driving laws and…okay, well we’ve got driving laws. Anyhow, Kinky would work for not just the students, but the teachers, too. Just like Obama. Except that Kinky’s not afraid to let his opinion be known on issues like religious tolerance (one of his campaign slogans was “May the God of Your Choice Bless You”) and the death penalty (let’s do away with it until the system’s perfect). Too bad that what I love about the man most is the one reason that he won’t get elected. But we can dream, Kinkster. We can dream. Why the hell not?

Bond, Bri-Wi, Raiders, Joe 6-pack, and Michelle

15. James Bond

I grew up watching Mr. Bond change from Connery to Brosnan, and I have to say that I think he would be an excellent president. He’s suave, smooth, and hella sexy in all situations. He may not be the biggest fan of the pro-feminist movement, but with his latest film (Quantum of Solace) showing a softer side, I can imagine his working with charities to save endangered animals. And let’s not forget that he can always counteract his womanizer tendencies by making Miss Moneypenny his VP candidate. She put up with James’s philandering ways for years, so it’ll be nothing to win over the rulers of other nations while still keeping them at a respectable distance. Though I have yet to see the movie, I feel that he is going to be far better at the whole revenge thing than Dubya has been with Iraq. But really, how kickass would it be to have James freaking Bond as our president? Pretty damn amazing.

14. Brian Williams

If you don’t watch NBC Nightly News, you’re missing out on one of the best news shows on television. When Brian Williams took over for Tom Brokaw in 2004, the show really took a different turn. It’s not that I don’t like Brokaw, I do, but Brian Williams has one defining difference. He revels in laughing at himself. I mean, he was the first national news anchor to ever host Saturday Night Live, and I’m fairly sure that he was the first anchor to ever appear as a giant floating head on The Daily Show. But Bri-Wi has a serious side, too. Though he did spend a little time working for President Carter, I feel he’s learned far more in his current role. His extensive journalism experience has given him foreign policy experience (Princess Diana’s funeral, Indian tsunami, the Olympics), crisis management training (Virginia Tech, bridge collapse), and a sense of what this country needs. He was there for Hurricane Katrina, inside the superdome. When Pres. Bush was nowhere to be found, Brian Williams was there. I know he’s going to be there for us in the future, I only wish he were in a position to use his experience and influence to right the wrongs rather than simply drawing our attention to them. But I’ll take all I can get.

13. Graham Harrel and Michael Crabtree

Originally, this was my “for that one person I’ll realize that I forgot” spot. But hell, if I forgot someone, tough luck, because these two men deserve all the recognition in the world. While McCain was desperately trying to be funny on SNL to gain a last-minute boost, Harrel and Crabtree were delivering the first win over a top-ranked team for the Texas Tech fans. A stellar, heart-stopping one at that. Do I go to Tech? No, and I took pride in flaunting Mizzou’s heavy-handed victory over my father last year. But when Harrel sailed that pass into Crabtree’s arms, I held my breath. Two seconds later, it came out in a scream as Crabtree crossed the line. How many Americans can say that we get that excited about anything our government does? I mean, if I tried to hold my breath for the end of the war in Iraq, I would have passed out about five billion times by now. And with the rest of the team designated to suitable cabinet positions, we’re sure to keep the rest of the world on its toes, squeaking out a success just in time. Because, as the fans will (and did last night) tell you, Texas Tech is no joke. And neither is America, something the rest of the world needs to remember.

12. Joe 6-pack

There are people who would say that all Sarah Palin did when she started using the term “Joe 6-pack” was give college students the easiest Halloween costume ever. But I say that she made people realize just how many of them are better suited for the job than her running mate. Or at least how different her running mate is from Joe 6-pack. McCain talks a lot about wanting to work for the middle class, the Joe 6-pack, but how can a man who owns 7 houses know what people concerned with only one household need? Joe 6-pack may not have any real foreign policy experience or a record of service to the country, but damn it, he knows that No Child Left Behind is leaving his kid behind. He knows that the Bush tax cuts aren’t helping his class. He knows that it’s time to get out of Iraq and bring his kid home before it’s too late. Joe 6-pack is much better equipped than Senator McCain to do what’s right for the majority of the country, because what’s right for the country is what’s right for him. So let’s let Joe do what’s Americans do best: look out for #1. He’ll be doing us all a favor.

11. Michelle Obama

We have not seen a woman this graceful and poised since Jackie O., I’m pretty sure. And I named my oldest dog after our most glamorous First Lady, so you can be sure that she was a winner. I’m very careful about what I name things. Michelle is the best of America in one person. She grew up in a family that was pretty much the epitome of the American dream, meaning that they spent a lot of family time together at the dinner table and over board games. That’s more than John McCain can say for his own family, seeing as how the man running on behalf of family values left his wife for ‘the other woman’ (nothing against Cindy, now, but it’s a fact). And Michelle went to Princeton, then Harvard Law, which explains her sharp wit. She’s not someone who relishes the campaign circuit, but she could have fooled me with her speeches. I think she’s a far stronger role model for young girls than Sarah Palin, certainly, because she actually supports her own gender. And let’s not forget that, like Bri-Wi, she isn’t afraid to laugh at herself or her husband. Let’s put a little grace and humor back into the White House, please.

A writer, a principal, and a quarterback

51. Francis Fox Piven

Even though she’s Canadian (shhhhh), this woman knows more about American voters and non-voters than anyone else in the world. Which is why she wrote the book Why Americans Don’t Vote, then the sequel in 2000, Why Americans Still Don’t Vote. She co-founded Human SERVE (an organization to promote voter registration), the aims of which the Clinton administration backed. She has also taught at multiple colleges and done a lot of work to make resources available to lower classes. Piven gets Americans. She knows why we do or don’t achieve to our full potential, why we’ve become jaded toward politics, and she tries to help us. She’ll steer this country in the right direction by simply employing the theories that she discusses in all her books, encouraging us to question her along the way. After all, her latest book was called Challenging Authority: How Ordinary People Change America.

50. My elementary school principal

Eva McKinney was my favorite principal of all time. Now, maybe I’m biased because my last memory of her is getting the Principal’s Award my senior year (oh yes, I used to be smart AND respectable), but I think that she would do a far better job as president than John McCain. For starters, after opening a brand new elementary school, she knows what students need. The pros and cons of No Child Left Behind would be clear to her, and because she always put the kids first, she would make sure to take a step back and fix education before anything else. We can’t have progress if we’re still using teaching standards that don’t work. John McCain thinks (erroneously, of course) that No Child Left Behind is working. Please, talk to any teacher in your local community and ask for their honest opinion. I doubt it will be a rave review of NCLB. Mrs. McKinney would take care of that mess, first thing. And to my knowledge, she never paid for any of her children or grandchildren to attend events with district funds (http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/21/palin.travel.ap/index.html). So there’s that.

49. Brett Favre

Favre knows what it’s like to be THE guy wherever he goes. As quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, he had to deal with being a celebrity everywhere he went. The country is crawling with cheeseheads (which would be useful in actually getting him elected). He’s also dedicated to his public. I mean, remember that Oakland Raiders game he played after his father died? Any other normal quarterback would have taken the night off, but Favre couldn’t let the public down and led his team to victory over the Raiders. Our current president (who is a good pal of McCain’s) has taken more vacation days than any other president. Ever. This would not be the case with Favre. I think that the new president will not only need to be dedicated, but he’ll also need to be super-flexible with his schedule and with his goals to accommodate the constant changes in both our economy and foreign relations. Favre’s a pretty flexible guy. I mean, he’s used to calling plays on the field and changing it up when needed (coughIraqcough). Plus, he got traded to the New York Jets this year after being with the Packers for fifteen years, but is he bitter? No.

Well, not publicly.