Tag Archives: New Orleans

Artemis, Bill, the Chicks and Brangelina

Today there are 4, tomorrow and until November 4, there will be 5 a day. Enjoy the last few posts.

24. Artemis Fowl

Harry Potter has nothing on this boy genius. For those of you who haven’t read the Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer because you stick to only your highest reading level, you’re missing out. Arty, the brainiac 14-year-old child of a crooked billionaire, not only has the highest IQ in Ireland on hie side, but also a few tricks of fairy magic he stole/finagled from his fairy friends throughout the series. Now, before you think I’m going to let the Irish mob run our country, I should point out to you that Artemis has learned the importance of kindness and other people throughout the series. I feel very confident that he would not only be able to transfer his skills into making out economy successful again, but also support s functioning healthcare program and end the war in Iraq. With a little help from his trusty bodyguard Butler and Butler’s “business associates,” aka army of professional assassins. And don’t even try to tell me there’s an age issue, because if Artemis is 14, that makes him at least 9 years older than our current president.

23. Bill Clinton

C’mon. You know the last time that this nation was truly happy was when the biggest political scandal we had to worry about focused around Bill’s zipper. Reasons why we need a return to the four years he was in office:

  • He was president during the longest peacetime economic expansion in the nation’s history.
  • He left office with a surplus of $559 billion.
  • His approval rating was 65% when he left. That’s after the scandal.
  • He created a foundation for the prevention of AIDS/HIV and global warming.
  • He signed the Family and Medical Leave Act in his first term, imagine what he could do with another 8 years.
  • Foreign nations loved him. A far cry from the feelings they have toward any Republicans now.

We’ll just have to make sure that all his interns are men. 

22. Dixie Chicks

Remember back in 2003 when everyone thought that Natalie Maines had made a huge career mistake by saying “We don’t want this war, this violence; and, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas?” I do. And now look at what we’re saying. Natalie and the other ladies in the Dixie Chicks (Martie Maguire and Emily Robison, they’re not to be underestimated) anticipated the country’s needs and opinions, they just had a little bit of a timing issue. It happens to the best of us. But you know, clearly they’re against domestic violence (check out “Goodbye Earl”) and for development of the arts, so I think that our money will go to the right places. I have to say, when I saw Martie and Emily play with two other ladies at the Mesquite Balloon Festival many years ago, before Natalie  joined the group, I said to myself, If only they had political insight, they’d be a hit band. I was very insightful myself, especially for a second grader.

21. Brangelina

I know, I know, but I’m only using their joint name to make them more viable as a candidate, clearly. I’m nominating Brad and Angelina because they have done an absolutely stellar job of cleaning up after America’s failures. Before they got together, they each did their part to help out the greater good. Brad dropped out of the J-school at Mizzou (possibly his greatest contribution to society), became incredibly hot (it’s a charity I’m thankful for every day), and supported causes such as AIDS research and ending the crisis in Darfur. Angelina is a UN Goodwill Ambassador, also looks just as attractive as Brad, and she founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children. As for their lives together, they continue to adopt children as well as make beautiful babies when they’re not busy changing the world in other ways. They work together on the ‘Make It Right’ campaign in home of New Orleans, giving homes to people who lost theirs to Hurricane Katrina. This makes them better than FEMA, or at least as good as. Finally, Brad donated $100,000 to fight the legislation overturning legalized same-sex marriage in California this year, which makes him more willing to stand up for the rights of John McCain’s daughter than McCain himself. Yeah. I said it. What now, dinosaur man?

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