10. Arnold Swarzenegger and Maria Shriver
Did anyone but me want to die inside when they realized that Maria Shriver had married one of the most conservative people on the face of the planet? All things considered, it actually gives me hope for myself, that one day I might actually be able to tolerate guys that are my type. It also gives me hope for this nation. The fact that these two people with such different political opinions can coexist in the same state let alone in the same house is baffling yet inspiring. Their marriage has created the best of both worlds for California in most cases, with Shriver working toward causes she believes in (usually liberal) under her role of wife to the Conservative governor. McCain and Obama both talk a lot about “reaching across the aisle,” which is all well and good, but Arnold would really only have to “reach across the dinner table” at Thanksgivings to work with Democrats. If the American people won’t elect a moderate president, then perhaps they’ll elect a team that symbolizes both parties.
I promise to make Yoda my last sci-fi reference, but I make no promises about making him my last fictional character. Even though Yoda isn’t “real,” he’s one of the best options that America has left to be president. Yoda is old, yes, but he’s not going anywhere. And he’s tiny, so I feel that HIS “Sad Grandpa” strategy would work far better than McCain’s since he doesn’t look like a dinosaur when he tries to smile. Yoda can’t tell us what will happen in the next eight years (“Always in motion, the future is.” So wise.), but he can help us find the right path. He’s into all the most important causes. And Yoda believes in the promise of our future – “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” – he knows that we need to leave behind a country that is not in ruins for the future. He worked to help repair the universe in Star Wars, surely he can help us repair one measly nation for the next four years.
8. A soldier currently serving our country
Surprised? Me, too. But hey, I happen to believe that a record of service IS important to your country, I just don’t want that record of service to be attached to someone who’s already made bad decisions for the country (like making Palin a viable candidate for national office). And when we’re thinking about who knows the most about the Iraq War, including what our soldiers are going through, who would be better to lead us out of this war than a soldier who is currently stationed abroad, either in Afghanistan or Iraq? The wars that we are involved in today are different enough from each other, so let’s not even start to compare them to the wars of the past. We need someone to come in a step up, speak about what our soldiers need at war and what they need when they come home. John McCain thinks he can do that, but I have very serious doubts. Let’s put someone in there who truly knows the situation and see how all of our views change.
7. Mrs. Dershem
Mrs. Dershem currently teaches English at Mesquite High School to snot-nosed brats who don’t deserve her genius. I should know, I used to be one of those brats. As with Bill Clinton, the reasons that Dershem would be an awesome president are best expressed in list form, which will mostly be quotes.
- She’s not really into delaying important decisions ever since that time she called the school’s front office to tell them that the bathroom was on fire and got put on hold.
- To improve education, she has a two-fold plan, electric shock chairs and the 9mm discipline plan. Don’t freak out, it actually sounds viable…but she’s joking.
- She’s not the biggest fan of standardized testing, because she knows what the TAKS is really saying…”I am the state of Texas and I hate you.”
- She’s pretty much a bamf…that should be the only reason you need.
- She once told us, “Everyone in life has windmills.” Stop and think about that. I feel that Dershy would work hard to take down a lot of those windmills for the middle class.
- She cares about people. I have to say that I’m not the only one who thinks Dershem is the greatest teacher in the world, and it’s because she not only cares about literature, but she also has the ability to make you care, as well. Can you imagine what she could convince people to care about if elected president?
6. Stephen Colbert
He doesn’t beat Jon Stewart simply because he actually campaigned to be on the ballot, he beats Jon Stewart by several places because Colbert has a larger than life personality that people either love or hate. You have to inspire both as a president, and Colbert does it better. In fact, he takes everything to a presidential level while still defying political stereotypes. Which, of course, warrants another list.
- Stephen didn’t just write a book, he dictated it. And it is a fabulous read or listen.
- Stephen isn’t afraid to apologize when he’s wrong. He’s apologized to how many Cantons across the nation now?
- Steven knows he’s human and admits his faults. All of America knows about his passion for Jane Fonda, despite the fact that she’s a dirty liberal.
- Stephen is willing to criticize people to their faces. Just watch the YouTube video of his roast of President Bush/the media. Fearless.
- Stephen is a friend to the gay community. How could he not be after voicing Ace on The Ambiguously Gay Duo?
- Stephen has multiple honors bestowed on him already, such as his DNA going into space, Emmys, a spider AND an airplane named after him, and 3 Peabody Awards. Does President Bush have a Peabody? Noooooo, and neither does McCain or Obama. Colbert has three.
But most of all, Stephen Colbert isn’t just a comedian, he’s an incredibly smart man. He makes people laugh for a living, but he does it by pointing out the poor choices of our government. He, like Jon Stewart, recognizes the faults of our current government and I know that if given the chance, he could fix them. Every single one. And we would be incredibly entertained watching him while eating the ice cream that Ben & Jerry’s named after him.
Posted in Election, Everything, Humor, Political
Tagged Afghanistan, America, Arnold Swarzenegger, Barack Obama, Ben & Jerry's, Bill Clinton, California, Canton, conservative, democrat, Election, Emmy, governor, I Am America and So Can You, Iraq, Iraq war, Jane Fonda, Joe Biden, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Kansas, liberal, Maria Shriver, Mesquite, Mesquite High School, Mrs. Dershem, OHio, Peabody Award, President, President Bush, republican, Sad Grandpa, Sarah Palin, SNL, solider, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, TAKS, Texas, The Ambiguously Gay Duo, the force, the Kennedys, Tx, Yoda, YouTube
Today there are 4, tomorrow and until November 4, there will be 5 a day. Enjoy the last few posts.
24. Artemis Fowl
Harry Potter has nothing on this boy genius. For those of you who haven’t read the Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer because you stick to only your highest reading level, you’re missing out. Arty, the brainiac 14-year-old child of a crooked billionaire, not only has the highest IQ in Ireland on hie side, but also a few tricks of fairy magic he stole/finagled from his fairy friends throughout the series. Now, before you think I’m going to let the Irish mob run our country, I should point out to you that Artemis has learned the importance of kindness and other people throughout the series. I feel very confident that he would not only be able to transfer his skills into making out economy successful again, but also support s functioning healthcare program and end the war in Iraq. With a little help from his trusty bodyguard Butler and Butler’s “business associates,” aka army of professional assassins. And don’t even try to tell me there’s an age issue, because if Artemis is 14, that makes him at least 9 years older than our current president.
23. Bill Clinton
C’mon. You know the last time that this nation was truly happy was when the biggest political scandal we had to worry about focused around Bill’s zipper. Reasons why we need a return to the four years he was in office:
- He was president during the longest peacetime economic expansion in the nation’s history.
- He left office with a surplus of $559 billion.
- His approval rating was 65% when he left. That’s after the scandal.
- He created a foundation for the prevention of AIDS/HIV and global warming.
- He signed the Family and Medical Leave Act in his first term, imagine what he could do with another 8 years.
- Foreign nations loved him. A far cry from the feelings they have toward any Republicans now.
We’ll just have to make sure that all his interns are men.
22. Dixie Chicks
Remember back in 2003 when everyone thought that Natalie Maines had made a huge career mistake by saying “We don’t want this war, this violence; and, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas?” I do. And now look at what we’re saying. Natalie and the other ladies in the Dixie Chicks (Martie Maguire and Emily Robison, they’re not to be underestimated) anticipated the country’s needs and opinions, they just had a little bit of a timing issue. It happens to the best of us. But you know, clearly they’re against domestic violence (check out “Goodbye Earl”) and for development of the arts, so I think that our money will go to the right places. I have to say, when I saw Martie and Emily play with two other ladies at the Mesquite Balloon Festival many years ago, before Natalie joined the group, I said to myself, If only they had political insight, they’d be a hit band. I was very insightful myself, especially for a second grader.
I know, I know, but I’m only using their joint name to make them more viable as a candidate, clearly. I’m nominating Brad and Angelina because they have done an absolutely stellar job of cleaning up after America’s failures. Before they got together, they each did their part to help out the greater good. Brad dropped out of the J-school at Mizzou (possibly his greatest contribution to society), became incredibly hot (it’s a charity I’m thankful for every day), and supported causes such as AIDS research and ending the crisis in Darfur. Angelina is a UN Goodwill Ambassador, also looks just as attractive as Brad, and she founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children. As for their lives together, they continue to adopt children as well as make beautiful babies when they’re not busy changing the world in other ways. They work together on the ‘Make It Right’ campaign in home of New Orleans, giving homes to people who lost theirs to Hurricane Katrina. This makes them better than FEMA, or at least as good as. Finally, Brad donated $100,000 to fight the legislation overturning legalized same-sex marriage in California this year, which makes him more willing to stand up for the rights of John McCain’s daughter than McCain himself. Yeah. I said it. What now, dinosaur man?
Posted in Election, Everything, Humor, Political
Tagged AIDS research, Angelina Jolie, Artemis Fowl, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, Dixie Chicks, Emily Robison, Eoin Colfer, Family and Medical Leave Act, FEMA, George Bush, Goodbye Earl, Hurricane Katrina, Ireland, Joe Biden, John McCain, Martie Maguire, Mesquite, Mizzou, Natalie Maines, National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children, New Orleans, Sarah Palin, Texas, UN goodwill ambassador, University of Missouri, zippergate
51. Francis Fox Piven
Even though she’s Canadian (shhhhh), this woman knows more about American voters and non-voters than anyone else in the world. Which is why she wrote the book Why Americans Don’t Vote, then the sequel in 2000, Why Americans Still Don’t Vote. She co-founded Human SERVE (an organization to promote voter registration), the aims of which the Clinton administration backed. She has also taught at multiple colleges and done a lot of work to make resources available to lower classes. Piven gets Americans. She knows why we do or don’t achieve to our full potential, why we’ve become jaded toward politics, and she tries to help us. She’ll steer this country in the right direction by simply employing the theories that she discusses in all her books, encouraging us to question her along the way. After all, her latest book was called Challenging Authority: How Ordinary People Change America.
50. My elementary school principal
Eva McKinney was my favorite principal of all time. Now, maybe I’m biased because my last memory of her is getting the Principal’s Award my senior year (oh yes, I used to be smart AND respectable), but I think that she would do a far better job as president than John McCain. For starters, after opening a brand new elementary school, she knows what students need. The pros and cons of No Child Left Behind would be clear to her, and because she always put the kids first, she would make sure to take a step back and fix education before anything else. We can’t have progress if we’re still using teaching standards that don’t work. John McCain thinks (erroneously, of course) that No Child Left Behind is working. Please, talk to any teacher in your local community and ask for their honest opinion. I doubt it will be a rave review of NCLB. Mrs. McKinney would take care of that mess, first thing. And to my knowledge, she never paid for any of her children or grandchildren to attend events with district funds (http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/21/palin.travel.ap/index.html). So there’s that.
49. Brett Favre
Favre knows what it’s like to be THE guy wherever he goes. As quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, he had to deal with being a celebrity everywhere he went. The country is crawling with cheeseheads (which would be useful in actually getting him elected). He’s also dedicated to his public. I mean, remember that Oakland Raiders game he played after his father died? Any other normal quarterback would have taken the night off, but Favre couldn’t let the public down and led his team to victory over the Raiders. Our current president (who is a good pal of McCain’s) has taken more vacation days than any other president. Ever. This would not be the case with Favre. I think that the new president will not only need to be dedicated, but he’ll also need to be super-flexible with his schedule and with his goals to accommodate the constant changes in both our economy and foreign relations. Favre’s a pretty flexible guy. I mean, he’s used to calling plays on the field and changing it up when needed (coughIraqcough). Plus, he got traded to the New York Jets this year after being with the Packers for fifteen years, but is he bitter? No.
Well, not publicly.
Posted in Election, Everything, Humor, Political
Tagged Barack Obama, Brett Favre, Election, elementary school, Eva McKinney, Francis Fox Piven, Green Bay, Joe Biden, John McCain, Mary Moss Elementary, Mesquite, New York Jets, No Child Left Behind, Packers, principal, Sarah Palin, Tx, Why Americans Don't Vote