Tag Archives: McCain

Kermit, YouTube, and Pickens

33. Kermit

Oh, Kermie. You know just what this country needs. And someday we’ll find it. The Rainbow Connection? The lover, the dreamer, and you. In addition to his delightful assessment of our need to dream big, reach for the stars, be all that we can be (oh yes, Kermit related to the education system AND the army in one song), Kermit also knows the secret to one of the biggest challenges we face as Americans. The environment and living with a reduced footprint. Kermit knows the challenges that we face in adapting to our environment. After all, the only song that is better known than ‘Rainbow Connection’ in the Muppet World is his own little motto: It Isn’t Easy Being Green. True dat, Kermie. I know that a lot of people think the song is talking about “being okay with who you are,” but I know the truth. Kermit was way ahead of his time. I mean, that line about being big like the ocean and tall as a tree? Helloo, he could have used as big as the Superdome or as tall as the Statue of Liberty, but he didn’t he went with the natural, organic alternatives. Sure, he was talking about loving himself, too, but loving himself as an environmentalist. Batman’s not the only place for double-meanings, you know. He’ll teach the world how to be green. I guarantee it. And then he won’t have to be so self-conscious about loving the environment.

32. YouTube

For those of you who have stumbled on to this site while searching for McCain supporters and are still reading, I’ll go ahead and explain what YouTube is in 20 words or less. It’s on the internet, and people post videos of themselves doing idiotic things for others to watch. Pretty much it. If you’re not sure what the internet is, then I can’t help you. Sorry. Now, those of you who are living in the 21st century with me are currently wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work. Simple. It’s kind of like the “magic 8 ball” philosophy. When there is a decision to be made, we’ll just input the question into the search bar and see what comes up. For example, if you input: “Opinion on Bailout,” you get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbzMr6hSF0. It’s a foreign opinion on the bailout. Of course, we’ll need a panel to help us interpret YouTube’s divine decision, but that’s what we have Congress for, right?

31. T. Boone Pickens

Everyone in Texas knows who this man is and also knows why he should be president. But for those of you who have no Tejas ties, I will do my best to explain it to you. T. Boone is a badass. I can just see him now, meeting foreign dignitaries and putting them immediately at ease with, “How you doin’ Ol’ Putin?” I think Vlad would be into that. It’s real. It’s genial. And let’s just go ahead and put it out there: he’s in oil (BP oil, to be exact). But he’s also in wind energy. He’s spending billions of his own money in order to make wind farms in Texas (check out Pampa, Tx), and has a legit plan for making the US less dependent on oil, more dependent on natural gas and wind energy. He even drives a car fueled by natural gas. With T. Boone Pickens, Texas is asking for a second chance at giving America a good president. We promise to get it right this time.


Helvetica, Dr. Phil, and Janeway

Because I missed yesterday, there are two for today. Enjoy, chillins.

60. Gary Hustwit

Because a font cannot speak for itself, let alone rule the US, I have to use Gary Hustwit as its acting commander-in-chief. Helvetica is everywhere. You may or may not have seen Helvetica up to 2000 times today. It just depends on if you work in design/journalism or if you just take care of sick people all day. Hustwit made the movie about the world’s most popular font, and to do that he had to study its power and sex appeal. The secret? Swiss design. Because Hustwit understands the font that rules the world better than anyone, he will be able to convince world leaders to do anything he wants. All he has to do is print his proposal in Helvetica and the other guy’s in Copperplate Bold. They won’t have a chance.

59. Dr. Phil

I hate Dr. Phil. But for some reason, the rest of America seems to love him. The secret to his popularity isn’t hard to figure out. People aren’t huge fans of elitists, they want someone that they would feel comfortable grabbing a beer (or eight) with. How else can we explain the last eight years? Dr. Phil’s down-home accent and no-crap attitude are appealing to the general population. He could care less about people’s mothers, and they are thankful for it. They don’t want to talk about anything but themselves. So go ahead America, elect Dr. Phil. He’d be there to listen to the entire nation’s concerns, and to tell them to ‘get real’ about their finances, the healthcare reform, and the fact that their kids need decent sex ed. There may not be a lot of progress, but at least we’d all know where we stand.

58. Captain Janeway

My nerd is showing, I know, so shush. In life, I think that everyone has to let their nerd out every now and again. For those of you who aren’t doomed to a life of embarrassment whenever people reference ‘Trekkies’ because of a childhood phase, Captain Janeway is captain of Voyager, the Star Trek series of the nineties. Lame? Yes. But I fully believe that any woman who can safely guide her ship through another quadrant for years and years just to bring them home while only using a few no-name crew members is fully capable of running the country. She believes in equality for all people and takes care of her own, even when resources are in short supply. America could probably do with a little Prime Directive, which states that cultures should be left to their own devices in almost all cases. Plus, I mean, she could bring us all the sweet future technology, you know, since she’d have to time travel to be our president. And become real…

The Dog, George Mitchell, and Sam Gosling

66. Dog the Bounty Hunter

For those of you who are not aware, Dog is actually a person. His full name is Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman and he works for a bail bonds agency in Hawaii. How have I heard of him? He has a show (on A&E, but shhhh…don’t tell anyone I watch that channel) following his daily routine: finding criminals who haven’t paid their bail bond and bringing them in. I realize that in suggesting him for presidency, his record of 18 armed robbery and one first degree murder convictions might come up. But here’s my argument: more than anything, America LOVES a reformed sinner. It’s even better if this reformed sinner is religious, which the Dog is. He’s bringing in the people who are sinking this economy by not paying their dues everyday, and I’d love to hear his plan for getting us out of Iraq. Admittedly, he doesn’t have the greatest foreign policy reputation since his Mexico arrest, but I feel that at least he has experience. AND he can see international waters from his house. 

65. George Mitchell

George Mitchell is on this list for three reasons. One, he has experience in politics AND business. Mitchell served in the Senate (for Maine) for fourteen years. When he chose to leave the senate, President Bill Clinton asked him to assist Northern Ireland with resolving its conflicts. Through his efforts, the Good Friday agreement was produced, without any US military action (astounding, we can bring peace WITHOUT death sometimes). In addition to political success, he’s also been on the Board of Directors for the Boston Red Sox and the was Chairman of the Board for Disney from Eisner’s 2004 resignation to 2007. Two, even though he’s older than McCain, the man left politics in 1995. He got out while he was ahead, before he developed the ability to make inane decisions like picking some obscure politician as your running mate based on her gender. Three, he made baseball an honest sport again. That’s right, he’s the man who made the list of those 89 professional baseball players using prohibited substances to boost performance. He didn’t allow himself to be smooth-talked by anyone, not even Andy Pettitte. Of course, these players all later admitted their mistakes and were forgiven without question or further mention by the American people. It’s the American way. All but Clemens, that is…which leads me to ask…how long has Roger Clemens been harboring anti-American ideals?

64. Sam Gosling

Sam Gosling is the author of an incredibly insightful book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. I know, not the most academic of titles, but I hear that America’s against elitism these days. Gosling runs the Gosling Lab (shocker, I know) at the University of Texas – Austin’s psychology department. There, they study “how personality is revealed in real-world contexts of everyday life,” according to their website. In other words, they study the way that people construct their environments (offices, bedrooms, musical playlists, etc) and study what it says about that person’s personality. It’s a little complicated to explain on a blog, but let’s just say that I think it would be a TREMENDOUS asset to have a president with these kinds of skills. I mean, let’s say President Gosling walks into the office of Kim Jong-il and can tell what kind of personality he has, how he can get under his skin, and what behaviors to avoid. Then, magically, the US manages to convince North Korea to outsource half their jobs to the US and give us a loan to cover the bailout, as well as become our international “bus buddy.” Wouldn’t that be fabulous?