Tag Archives: Jon Stewart

Arnold and Maria, Yoda, a true hero, Dershy, and Colbert

10. Arnold Swarzenegger and Maria Shriver

Did anyone but me want to die inside when they realized that Maria Shriver had married one of the most conservative people on the face of the planet? All things considered, it actually gives me hope for myself, that one day I might actually be able to tolerate guys that are my type. It also gives me hope for this nation. The fact that these two people with such different political opinions can coexist in the same state let alone in the same house is baffling yet inspiring. Their marriage has created the best of both worlds for California in most cases, with Shriver working toward causes she believes in (usually liberal) under her role of wife to the Conservative governor. McCain and Obama both talk a lot about “reaching across the aisle,” which is all well and good, but Arnold would really only have to “reach across the dinner table” at Thanksgivings to work with Democrats. If the American people won’t elect a moderate president, then perhaps they’ll elect a team that symbolizes both parties. 

9. Yoda

I promise to make Yoda my last sci-fi reference, but I make no promises about making him my last fictional character. Even though Yoda isn’t “real,” he’s one of the best options that America has left to be president. Yoda is old, yes, but he’s not going anywhere. And he’s tiny, so I feel that HIS “Sad Grandpa” strategy would work far better than McCain’s since he doesn’t look like a dinosaur when he tries to smile. Yoda can’t tell us what will happen in the next eight years (“Always in motion, the future is.” So wise.), but he can help us find the right path. He’s into all the most important causes. And Yoda believes in the promise of our future – “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” – he knows that we need to leave behind a country that is not in ruins for the future. He worked to help repair the universe in Star Wars, surely he can help us repair one measly nation for the next four years.

8. A soldier currently serving our country

Surprised? Me, too. But hey, I happen to believe that a record of service IS important to your country, I just don’t want that record of service to be attached to someone who’s already made bad decisions for the country (like making Palin a viable candidate for national office). And when we’re thinking about who knows the most about the Iraq War, including what our soldiers are going through, who would be better to lead us out of this war than a soldier who is currently stationed abroad, either in Afghanistan or Iraq? The wars that we are involved in today are different enough from each other, so let’s not even start to compare them to the wars of the past. We need someone to come in a step up, speak about what our soldiers need at war and what they need when they come home. John McCain thinks he can do that, but I have very serious doubts. Let’s put someone in there who truly knows the situation and see how all of our views change. 

7. Mrs. Dershem

Mrs. Dershem currently teaches English at Mesquite High School to snot-nosed brats who don’t deserve her genius. I should know, I used to be one of those brats. As with Bill Clinton, the reasons that Dershem would be an awesome president are best expressed in list form, which will mostly be quotes.

  • She’s not really into delaying important decisions ever since that time she called the school’s front office to tell them that the bathroom was on fire and got put on hold.
  • To improve education, she has a two-fold plan, electric shock chairs and the 9mm discipline plan. Don’t freak out, it actually sounds viable…but she’s joking.
  • She’s not the biggest fan of standardized testing, because she knows what the TAKS is really saying…”I am the state of Texas and I hate you.”
  • She’s pretty much a bamf…that should be the only reason you need.
  • She once told us, “Everyone in life has windmills.” Stop and think about that. I feel that Dershy would work hard to take down a lot of those windmills for the middle class. 
  •  She cares about people. I have to say that I’m not the only one who thinks Dershem is the greatest teacher in the world, and it’s because she not only cares about literature, but she also has the ability to make you care, as well. Can you imagine what she could convince people to care about if elected president?

6. Stephen Colbert

He doesn’t beat Jon Stewart simply because he actually campaigned to be on the ballot, he beats Jon Stewart by several places because Colbert has a larger than life personality that people either love or hate. You have to inspire both as a president, and Colbert does it better. In fact, he takes everything to a presidential level while still defying political stereotypes. Which, of course, warrants another list.

  • Stephen didn’t just write a book, he dictated it. And it is a fabulous read or listen.
  • Stephen isn’t afraid to apologize when he’s wrong. He’s apologized to how many Cantons across the nation now? 
  • Steven knows he’s human and admits his faults. All of America knows about his passion for Jane Fonda, despite the fact that she’s a dirty liberal. 
  • Stephen is willing to criticize people to their faces. Just watch the YouTube video of his roast of President Bush/the media. Fearless. 
  • Stephen is a friend to the gay community. How could he not be after voicing Ace on The Ambiguously Gay Duo
  • Stephen has multiple honors bestowed on him already, such as his DNA going into space, Emmys, a spider AND an airplane named after him, and 3 Peabody Awards. Does President Bush have a Peabody? Noooooo, and neither does McCain or Obama. Colbert has three.

But most of all, Stephen Colbert isn’t just a comedian, he’s an incredibly smart man. He makes people laugh for a living, but he does it by pointing out the poor choices of our government. He, like Jon Stewart, recognizes the faults of our current government and I know that if given the chance, he could fix them. Every single one. And we would be incredibly entertained watching him while eating the ice cream that Ben & Jerry’s named after him.

Barman, Mulan, the fresh prince, John Stewart, and mi padre.

20. The bartender down the street

I whole-heartedly believe that there should be a long list of prerequisites for being President. Not the list that we have now, but a list of experiences. For example, you should have experience as a community organizer, a senator, etc. One of those requirements should be that you worked in a position that put you in high contact with drunkies. The best position for this is clearly as an RA, but second best is a bartender. People who are drunk are the dumbest people in the world. Even smart people, when intoxicated, say and do ridiculous things. Which is why on this, the morning after Halloween, the nation’s most promising college students are waking up and asking themselves ‘What the hell did I do last night?‘ The bartender is one of the few people in the world that can answer that question. I mean, if I knew that the person answering the red phone at 3 am had been the manager of a bar at one point in life, I would feel so much safer. What’s a nuclear weapon compared to drunk wielding a broken Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle? 

19. Mulan

Have you SEEN this Disney film? I mean, clearly Mulan has plenty of foreign policy experience, seeing as how she’s from a different country, and she also has plenty of experience in battle. I mean, that old man gave her a medal at the end. That’s got to count for something. And let’s not forget that she managed to get the guy at the end as well. Of all the Disney princesses, she is clearly the least sexist character. Don’t get me wrong, that whole “Make a Man Out of You” song is a little offensive and (in my opinion) sexually-driven, but she proves all of them wrong in the end. Who here actually believes that Sarah Palin could prove herself worthy without harming a moose? No one. And hey, they DON’T kill her for being a woman, which makes me believe that not only is she a safer bet than McCain, she’s probably also a safer bet than Hillary Clinton would have been. 

18. Will Smith

From a rapper to a prince to his latest box office incarnation as a reluctant superhero, WIll Smith can play any part given to him. Playing the a US president in reality shouldn’t be any issue for him. I mean, people in all nations love him (he even appeared on Indian Idol as proof), so I’m pretty sure that he could charm any foreign ruler into giving up his “weapons of mass destruction,” otherwise known as “foam rocket models.” In 2007, he was ranked #5 on EW’s ’50 Smartest People in Hollywood’ list, which leads me to believe that he could teach America to rebound our economy by making everyone package each product with a song for more revenue. We already make Hallmark cards with sound, it’s not that much of a leap to write songs to to accompany our organic produce. Dude, Will Smith can write a song for anything. Any TV show, movie, and certainly any political campaign. So America, please let this man make a run for the White House, if only to give us one more taste of that Will Smith-style rap. It’s not enough to watch him play a presidential candidate, I want the real deal. 

17. John Stewart

“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy.”

Ah, Jon Stewart. You have waited a long time to be on this list and now you are. Congrats. Jon Stewart rocks my world. I could make the longest list of quotes in the world to illustrate his political experience, but I think that we’re all aware of his show and his book (America). He’s hilarious and I love him. You should love him, too. He knows how NOT to be a president, thanks to our current president, so once he eliminates all of the flawed behaviors, I’m fairly certain that we will be left with one perfect president. Plus, the people that he would pick for his cabinet are pretty freakin’ awesome. Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Rob and Wyatt in real government? Well, at least the other countries would still be entertained by us and it wouldn’t be because we’re playing a real-life video game with our soldiers. I just hope it’s not too scary for him.

16. My dad

I’m really just doing this to annoy my dad. He has zero interest in being a politician, which, coincidentally, might be a good thing for any future president. My motivations not withstanding, I think my dad would make an excellent President. I mean, there’s not a whole lot of embarrassment to worry about from my sister and me, unlike the current Texan daughters. My dad’s a moderate. This is the reason that my dad would never actually be president, because I can’t ever see a moderate being elected, but it’s just what we need. The list of other reasons why my dad would be a good president could go on for quite some time, but I’ll try and sum it up rather quickly here. He’s in better health than McCain, I seriously doubt that he would pick Sarah Palin as his Veep, and my dogs would be the cutest White House dogs ever. Sorry, Barney and Miss Beazley, but it’s true. Jackie looks respectable and regal, Holly’s the one who will keep the press in line, and Shaun can entertain the other politicians’ kids.