Tag Archives: Harry Potter

Finale: read the top 5 then get off your butt and go vote!

5. Dumbledore

There is only one thing that Americans love more than gratuitous violence and eating at McDonald’s. That’s the Harry Potter book series. And where would that book series be without its wizened guru Dumbledore? Nowhere. He’s the man behind the curtain, as we learn in the last couple of Rowling’s books. He pulls the strings and endures harsh critique. He’s not scared to be unpopular with the masses so long as he’s doing what is right. In fact, he could be easily compared to George W. Bush in that manner, except that Dumbledore actually found his “WMDs” as it were and, with a little help from a teenager, got his man. Of course, the most obvious area we need the help of the world’s greatest headmaster in is education. After running Hogwarts, the US education system should be no problem at all. But it is Dumbledore’s eccentricities that will make the media endorse him as a presidential candidate. Because, as we have learned, they love to make fun of people for their odd habits, so long as you’re not a cold, heartless woman. The media would relish the idea of spending the next 4-8 years mocking Dumbledore’s fascination with socks.

4. Bono

Traditionally, we don’t really look to the Irish for our leadership models. But Bono has used his incredibe influence to change the world already, why not import is a little Irish change in 2008? People are quick to criticize the front man for being after public acclaim rather than simply working for the benefit of his causes, but these critics make up a very small percentage of the world population. The rest of us adore him. Despite the fact that he started as a musician (some band called U2? I don’t know, apparently they’re “famous”), he has since perfected his ability to multi-task, and he can now be a member of a chart-topping band while also fighting the AIDS pandemic, helping stop poverty in Africa, cofounding DATA and Product Red, and acting in Across the Universe. There’s no reason NOT to jump on board this gravy train of Bono’s.¬†After all, his future’s so bright he’s gotta wear shades.

3. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison

People not from Texas are lost at this point. People who know Texas are probably like, yes! Why has she NEVER run?!?!? OMG, guys, I’m nominating a long-time Republican…what is wrong with me? I think it seeped into my head after living in the Lone Star State for so long. It’s hard to kick the Conservative habit, sometimes, but Kay Bailey is so much more than a simple Conservative. She cares more about the people of her state than any other government official I’ve written to, which is saying something. I’ve written a lot of people. I know Kay Bailey could deal with being the first female president because she dealt with being the first female senator from Texas already, as well as the first senator to pull more than 4 million votes (in 2000). She’s been in office most of my life, and all of my little sister’s life. She’s written two books about powerful women and their influence, she supports Roe v. Wade, she often works with democrats on issues that don’t exactly line up with her party’s beliefs, and there are rumors of her running for governor in 2010. We’ll just have to make sure she appoints someone that cares about the environment to balance out her one downfall, and we’ll be golden.

2. Barack Obama

I warned you people he wouldn’t be number one, but I’ll make a brief list of why he’s #2, and why he’s definitely #1 on the ballot you’ll vote with.

  • He cares about education, and wants to change the rules on No Child Left Behind. He knows that the last thing schools with low test scores need is to lose their funding.
  • He can raise his arms above his head.
  • He has a timeline to remove troops from Iraq in the next 2 years.¬†
  • He wants to mandate health coverage for all children, among other things in his plan.
  • Have you SEEN him smile? It’s like looking at goodness.
  • He cares about the rest of the world, which is why he would try to influence countries we trade with to use good business practices.
  • He will engage in diplomacy with nations to find peace without them meeting conditions first – even if that means it’s BYOB.
  • He has a plan to help people pay to go to college. And with a little sister heading for more schooling, I can’t think of a better time to elect him. Okay, maybe before I went to college…

There are additional reasons, but those are what I feel are the most important. John McCain disagrees (or at least has a fundamentally different plan) with the way that Obama wants to approach these issues, especially education. Please vote for our future.

1. Kinky Friedman

That’s right. I did it. You didn’t think I would, did you? He writes mystery books, political criticism books, supports a stray dog ranch, has his own brand of cigars, and plays in a band, none of which are prereqs for being the Commander in Chief. But here he is, the one man that had a better plan for the education system (at least in Texas), and one that I swear Senator Obama used for his inspiration. I supported Kinky through his (unsuccessful) fight for governor because I believed in his ability to change what was wrong with my state after a few years of Bush and Perry. But really, I think that our nation could do with a lot more change than Texas needs. We’ve got a few things right, like driving laws and…okay, well we’ve got driving laws. Anyhow, Kinky would work for not just the students, but the teachers, too. Just like Obama. Except that Kinky’s not afraid to let his opinion be known on issues like religious tolerance (one of his campaign slogans was “May the God of Your Choice Bless You”) and the death penalty (let’s do away with it until the system’s perfect). Too bad that what I love about the man most is the one reason that he won’t get elected. But we can dream, Kinkster. We can dream. Why the hell not?


That one guy, that one actor, and that one computer genius

48. That one guy you knew in high school

I feel confident in saying that everyone knew that one guy in high school who had world domination (or at least presidential) daydreams. In my case, that one guy was actually pretty smart – but mostly ridiculously funny. He went to college at Tulane, so I feel fairly confident that he’s getting a decent education that might allow him to pursue the presidency one day. Let’s put it this way, he’s smart enough not to tell third graders that he runs the Senate and funny enough to entertain us for the next 4-8 years. The one downside is that people who are not raised in a political background tend to want world domination. You’re nodding at home, I know. But this isn’t a problem as long as they actually succeed in conquering the world. I feel like my guy definitely would, considering that his plan involves banishing people to the sun. How about yours? Too bad we can’t vote for him now…guess we just have to hope there’s an America to have an election by the time they’re old enough.

47. Daniel Radcliffe

I have already gotten the comments that some of the people on this list aren’t actually able to be elected because they’re “from another country.” Yeah, and? See, I feel like perhaps this country has screwed up enough, and we need some outside influence to give us a little perspective. Danny boy here actually managed to make the leap this year from The Boy Who Lived to screwed-up-boy-who-loves-horses. And now Equus has come from the London stage to the New York stage. If he can deal with being the youngest person to ever be put in the National Portrait Gallery in Britain as an individual, he can deal with being the youngest American president, too. Plus, the next time that we get attacked by terrorists, he can just protect us with a wave of his wand. (I had to.)

46. Steve Jobs

Apple is taking over the world. For reals. The media already loves Apple, possibly because the University of Missouri makes all their journalists buy it and we’re the shit, which means that it’s only a matter of time until WalMart joins up and it’s all over for PCs. It’ll happen, they’re connected to Disney, and Disney already rules the world of 10 and under. Which is why we need Steve Jobs as our president. We need someone who is ready for the future. We need someone who can challenge what everyone’s used to and switch them to a new operating system government. We need someone who can sell us to the rest of the world. This person is Steve Jobs. Can you imagine a commercial that starts out, “Hi, I’m America. And I’m a terrorist.” Plus, I’m pretty sure that we might be able to convince him to give us all a wicked discount on iPods. Hells yes.