Tag Archives: First Lady

Bond, Bri-Wi, Raiders, Joe 6-pack, and Michelle

15. James Bond

I grew up watching Mr. Bond change from Connery to Brosnan, and I have to say that I think he would be an excellent president. He’s suave, smooth, and hella sexy in all situations. He may not be the biggest fan of the pro-feminist movement, but with his latest film (Quantum of Solace) showing a softer side, I can imagine his working with charities to save endangered animals. And let’s not forget that he can always counteract his womanizer tendencies by making Miss Moneypenny his VP candidate. She put up with James’s philandering ways for years, so it’ll be nothing to win over the rulers of other nations while still keeping them at a respectable distance. Though I have yet to see the movie, I feel that he is going to be far better at the whole revenge thing than Dubya has been with Iraq. But really, how kickass would it be to have James freaking Bond as our president? Pretty damn amazing.

14. Brian Williams

If you don’t watch NBC Nightly News, you’re missing out on one of the best news shows on television. When Brian Williams took over for Tom Brokaw in 2004, the show really took a different turn. It’s not that I don’t like Brokaw, I do, but Brian Williams has one defining difference. He revels in laughing at himself. I mean, he was the first national news anchor to ever host Saturday Night Live, and I’m fairly sure that he was the first anchor to ever appear as a giant floating head on The Daily Show. But Bri-Wi has a serious side, too. Though he did spend a little time working for President Carter, I feel he’s learned far more in his current role. His extensive journalism experience has given him foreign policy experience (Princess Diana’s funeral, Indian tsunami, the Olympics), crisis management training (Virginia Tech, bridge collapse), and a sense of what this country needs. He was there for Hurricane Katrina, inside the superdome. When Pres. Bush was nowhere to be found, Brian Williams was there. I know he’s going to be there for us in the future, I only wish he were in a position to use his experience and influence to right the wrongs rather than simply drawing our attention to them. But I’ll take all I can get.

13. Graham Harrel and Michael Crabtree

Originally, this was my “for that one person I’ll realize that I forgot” spot. But hell, if I forgot someone, tough luck, because these two men deserve all the recognition in the world. While McCain was desperately trying to be funny on SNL to gain a last-minute boost, Harrel and Crabtree were delivering the first win over a top-ranked team for the Texas Tech fans. A stellar, heart-stopping one at that. Do I go to Tech? No, and I took pride in flaunting Mizzou’s heavy-handed victory over my father last year. But when Harrel sailed that pass into Crabtree’s arms, I held my breath. Two seconds later, it came out in a scream as Crabtree crossed the line. How many Americans can say that we get that excited about anything our government does? I mean, if I tried to hold my breath for the end of the war in Iraq, I would have passed out about five billion times by now. And with the rest of the team designated to suitable cabinet positions, we’re sure to keep the rest of the world on its toes, squeaking out a success just in time. Because, as the fans will (and did last night) tell you, Texas Tech is no joke. And neither is America, something the rest of the world needs to remember.

12. Joe 6-pack

There are people who would say that all Sarah Palin did when she started using the term “Joe 6-pack” was give college students the easiest Halloween costume ever. But I say that she made people realize just how many of them are better suited for the job than her running mate. Or at least how different her running mate is from Joe 6-pack. McCain talks a lot about wanting to work for the middle class, the Joe 6-pack, but how can a man who owns 7 houses know what people concerned with only one household need? Joe 6-pack may not have any real foreign policy experience or a record of service to the country, but damn it, he knows that No Child Left Behind is leaving his kid behind. He knows that the Bush tax cuts aren’t helping his class. He knows that it’s time to get out of Iraq and bring his kid home before it’s too late. Joe 6-pack is much better equipped than Senator McCain to do what’s right for the majority of the country, because what’s right for the country is what’s right for him. So let’s let Joe do what’s Americans do best: look out for #1. He’ll be doing us all a favor.

11. Michelle Obama

We have not seen a woman this graceful and poised since Jackie O., I’m pretty sure. And I named my oldest dog after our most glamorous First Lady, so you can be sure that she was a winner. I’m very careful about what I name things. Michelle is the best of America in one person. She grew up in a family that was pretty much the epitome of the American dream, meaning that they spent a lot of family time together at the dinner table and over board games. That’s more than John McCain can say for his own family, seeing as how the man running on behalf of family values left his wife for ‘the other woman’ (nothing against Cindy, now, but it’s a fact). And Michelle went to Princeton, then Harvard Law, which explains her sharp wit. She’s not someone who relishes the campaign circuit, but she could have fooled me with her speeches. I think she’s a far stronger role model for young girls than Sarah Palin, certainly, because she actually supports her own gender. And let’s not forget that, like Bri-Wi, she isn’t afraid to laugh at herself or her husband. Let’s put a little grace and humor back into the White House, please.

Hillary, Barney, and me.

72. Senator Hillary Clinton

While I’ve never really been a supporter of Hillary Clinton, I do feel that she could best McCain any day. He likes to talk about his years and years of experience, but does it really matter if he hasn’t spent those years within the White House? Not only has Hillary worked on healthcare reform and made many a trip abroad, but Hillary spent quite a few years in the White House already. She knows the place like the back of her hand. This will save her the embarrassment of walking into the green room when she really meant to be in the red room. Also, have we ever had a president who won a Grammy? Because this is our chance. Nevermind that it was only for recording an audio book, in my mind, all Grammys are created equally. 

71. Barney

No, I do not mean the huggable, love-happy purple dinosaur. I’m talking about someone with much more government experience. Only slightly more qualified than our former First Lady is the current White House pet, Barney the Scottish terrier. As anyone who has recently visited the White House’s website (perhaps to check his or her facts about a former first lady?) will know, Barney has a link to his own website (http://www.whitehouse.gov/barney/index.html) in the top corner. Barney is already a master of PR with his self-promoted Barney shorts that are posted on the website, and it’s obvious that he truly cares about the people, as there is an entire archive of questions Barney answers when he has the time. Most of all, I think Barney is qualified because he has watched President Bush the past 8 years, which means that he won’t make the same mistakes when he’s president. I nominate Miss Beazley (nicknamed Beazley Weazley), the second ‘First Dog,’ as the younger VP candidate. She’s female AND black. The pundits won’t be able to say a thing.

70. Me

Yeah, I have the “cahones,” as it were, to suggest that I would be a better president than John McCain. I would like to point out, of course, that while my age would seem to disqualify me (and if you’re thinking it disqualifies Barney, you’re wrong, he’s 56 in dog years) I’m not focusing on the “rules” here. No, I don’t have a lot of experience, but I don’t have seven houses, either. What I do have is a working knowledge of the internet, as much of a degree from the University of Missouri Journalism School as Brad Pitt has, and common sense. I’m not saying that John McCain never had common sense, I just happen to believe that his 21 years in the Senate has warped all of his originally normal traits, such as good judgement and the ability to not look like a dinosaur. Also, I feel that my experience as a PA will assist me as well. I mean, if I can handle running a building of 500 (mostly freshman) coeds and guiding them through fire drill after pregnancy scare after fire drill, I think I can handle running the country. It’s a lot less hands-on.