Tag Archives: Disney

Barman, Mulan, the fresh prince, John Stewart, and mi padre.

20. The bartender down the street

I whole-heartedly believe that there should be a long list of prerequisites for being President. Not the list that we have now, but a list of experiences. For example, you should have experience as a community organizer, a senator, etc. One of those requirements should be that you worked in a position that put you in high contact with drunkies. The best position for this is clearly as an RA, but second best is a bartender. People who are drunk are the dumbest people in the world. Even smart people, when intoxicated, say and do ridiculous things. Which is why on this, the morning after Halloween, the nation’s most promising college students are waking up and asking themselves ‘What the hell did I do last night?‘ The bartender is one of the few people in the world that can answer that question. I mean, if I knew that the person answering the red phone at 3 am had been the manager of a bar at one point in life, I would feel so much safer. What’s a nuclear weapon compared to drunk wielding a broken Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle? 

19. Mulan

Have you SEEN this Disney film? I mean, clearly Mulan has plenty of foreign policy experience, seeing as how she’s from a different country, and she also has plenty of experience in battle. I mean, that old man gave her a medal at the end. That’s got to count for something. And let’s not forget that she managed to get the guy at the end as well. Of all the Disney princesses, she is clearly the least sexist character. Don’t get me wrong, that whole “Make a Man Out of You” song is a little offensive and (in my opinion) sexually-driven, but she proves all of them wrong in the end. Who here actually believes that Sarah Palin could prove herself worthy without harming a moose? No one. And hey, they DON’T kill her for being a woman, which makes me believe that not only is she a safer bet than McCain, she’s probably also a safer bet than Hillary Clinton would have been. 

18. Will Smith

From a rapper to a prince to his latest box office incarnation as a reluctant superhero, WIll Smith can play any part given to him. Playing the a US president in reality shouldn’t be any issue for him. I mean, people in all nations love him (he even appeared on Indian Idol as proof), so I’m pretty sure that he could charm any foreign ruler into giving up his “weapons of mass destruction,” otherwise known as “foam rocket models.” In 2007, he was ranked #5 on EW’s ’50 Smartest People in Hollywood’ list, which leads me to believe that he could teach America to rebound our economy by making everyone package each product with a song for more revenue. We already make Hallmark cards with sound, it’s not that much of a leap to write songs to to accompany our organic produce. Dude, Will Smith can write a song for anything. Any TV show, movie, and certainly any political campaign. So America, please let this man make a run for the White House, if only to give us one more taste of that Will Smith-style rap. It’s not enough to watch him play a presidential candidate, I want the real deal. 

17. John Stewart

“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy.”

Ah, Jon Stewart. You have waited a long time to be on this list and now you are. Congrats. Jon Stewart rocks my world. I could make the longest list of quotes in the world to illustrate his political experience, but I think that we’re all aware of his show and his book (America). He’s hilarious and I love him. You should love him, too. He knows how NOT to be a president, thanks to our current president, so once he eliminates all of the flawed behaviors, I’m fairly certain that we will be left with one perfect president. Plus, the people that he would pick for his cabinet are pretty freakin’ awesome. Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Rob and Wyatt in real government? Well, at least the other countries would still be entertained by us and it wouldn’t be because we’re playing a real-life video game with our soldiers. I just hope it’s not too scary for him.

16. My dad

I’m really just doing this to annoy my dad. He has zero interest in being a politician, which, coincidentally, might be a good thing for any future president. My motivations not withstanding, I think my dad would make an excellent President. I mean, there’s not a whole lot of embarrassment to worry about from my sister and me, unlike the current Texan daughters. My dad’s a moderate. This is the reason that my dad would never actually be president, because I can’t ever see a moderate being elected, but it’s just what we need. The list of other reasons why my dad would be a good president could go on for quite some time, but I’ll try and sum it up rather quickly here. He’s in better health than McCain, I seriously doubt that he would pick Sarah Palin as his Veep, and my dogs would be the cutest White House dogs ever. Sorry, Barney and Miss Beazley, but it’s true. Jackie looks respectable and regal, Holly’s the one who will keep the press in line, and Shaun can entertain the other politicians’ kids.

That one guy, that one actor, and that one computer genius

48. That one guy you knew in high school

I feel confident in saying that everyone knew that one guy in high school who had world domination (or at least presidential) daydreams. In my case, that one guy was actually pretty smart – but mostly ridiculously funny. He went to college at Tulane, so I feel fairly confident that he’s getting a decent education that might allow him to pursue the presidency one day. Let’s put it this way, he’s smart enough not to tell third graders that he runs the Senate and funny enough to entertain us for the next 4-8 years. The one downside is that people who are not raised in a political background tend to want world domination. You’re nodding at home, I know. But this isn’t a problem as long as they actually succeed in conquering the world. I feel like my guy definitely would, considering that his plan involves banishing people to the sun. How about yours? Too bad we can’t vote for him now…guess we just have to hope there’s an America to have an election by the time they’re old enough.

47. Daniel Radcliffe

I have already gotten the comments that some of the people on this list aren’t actually able to be elected because they’re “from another country.” Yeah, and? See, I feel like perhaps this country has screwed up enough, and we need some outside influence to give us a little perspective. Danny boy here actually managed to make the leap this year from The Boy Who Lived to screwed-up-boy-who-loves-horses. And now Equus has come from the London stage to the New York stage. If he can deal with being the youngest person to ever be put in the National Portrait Gallery in Britain as an individual, he can deal with being the youngest American president, too. Plus, the next time that we get attacked by terrorists, he can just protect us with a wave of his wand. (I had to.)

46. Steve Jobs

Apple is taking over the world. For reals. The media already loves Apple, possibly because the University of Missouri makes all their journalists buy it and we’re the shit, which means that it’s only a matter of time until WalMart joins up and it’s all over for PCs. It’ll happen, they’re connected to Disney, and Disney already rules the world of 10 and under. Which is why we need Steve Jobs as our president. We need someone who is ready for the future. We need someone who can challenge what everyone’s used to and switch them to a new operating system government. We need someone who can sell us to the rest of the world. This person is Steve Jobs. Can you imagine a commercial that starts out, “Hi, I’m America. And I’m a terrorist.” Plus, I’m pretty sure that we might be able to convince him to give us all a wicked discount on iPods. Hells yes.

The Dog, George Mitchell, and Sam Gosling

66. Dog the Bounty Hunter

For those of you who are not aware, Dog is actually a person. His full name is Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman and he works for a bail bonds agency in Hawaii. How have I heard of him? He has a show (on A&E, but shhhh…don’t tell anyone I watch that channel) following his daily routine: finding criminals who haven’t paid their bail bond and bringing them in. I realize that in suggesting him for presidency, his record of 18 armed robbery and one first degree murder convictions might come up. But here’s my argument: more than anything, America LOVES a reformed sinner. It’s even better if this reformed sinner is religious, which the Dog is. He’s bringing in the people who are sinking this economy by not paying their dues everyday, and I’d love to hear his plan for getting us out of Iraq. Admittedly, he doesn’t have the greatest foreign policy reputation since his Mexico arrest, but I feel that at least he has experience. AND he can see international waters from his house. 

65. George Mitchell

George Mitchell is on this list for three reasons. One, he has experience in politics AND business. Mitchell served in the Senate (for Maine) for fourteen years. When he chose to leave the senate, President Bill Clinton asked him to assist Northern Ireland with resolving its conflicts. Through his efforts, the Good Friday agreement was produced, without any US military action (astounding, we can bring peace WITHOUT death sometimes). In addition to political success, he’s also been on the Board of Directors for the Boston Red Sox and the was Chairman of the Board for Disney from Eisner’s 2004 resignation to 2007. Two, even though he’s older than McCain, the man left politics in 1995. He got out while he was ahead, before he developed the ability to make inane decisions like picking some obscure politician as your running mate based on her gender. Three, he made baseball an honest sport again. That’s right, he’s the man who made the list of those 89 professional baseball players using prohibited substances to boost performance. He didn’t allow himself to be smooth-talked by anyone, not even Andy Pettitte. Of course, these players all later admitted their mistakes and were forgiven without question or further mention by the American people. It’s the American way. All but Clemens, that is…which leads me to ask…how long has Roger Clemens been harboring anti-American ideals?

64. Sam Gosling

Sam Gosling is the author of an incredibly insightful book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. I know, not the most academic of titles, but I hear that America’s against elitism these days. Gosling runs the Gosling Lab (shocker, I know) at the University of Texas – Austin’s psychology department. There, they study “how personality is revealed in real-world contexts of everyday life,” according to their website. In other words, they study the way that people construct their environments (offices, bedrooms, musical playlists, etc) and study what it says about that person’s personality. It’s a little complicated to explain on a blog, but let’s just say that I think it would be a TREMENDOUS asset to have a president with these kinds of skills. I mean, let’s say President Gosling walks into the office of Kim Jong-il and can tell what kind of personality he has, how he can get under his skin, and what behaviors to avoid. Then, magically, the US manages to convince North Korea to outsource half their jobs to the US and give us a loan to cover the bailout, as well as become our international “bus buddy.” Wouldn’t that be fabulous?