Tag Archives: Congress

Kermit, YouTube, and Pickens

33. Kermit

Oh, Kermie. You know just what this country needs. And someday we’ll find it. The Rainbow Connection? The lover, the dreamer, and you. In addition to his delightful assessment of our need to dream big, reach for the stars, be all that we can be (oh yes, Kermit related to the education system AND the army in one song), Kermit also knows the secret to one of the biggest challenges we face as Americans. The environment and living with a reduced footprint. Kermit knows the challenges that we face in adapting to our environment. After all, the only song that is better known than ‘Rainbow Connection’ in the Muppet World is his own little motto: It Isn’t Easy Being Green. True dat, Kermie. I know that a lot of people think the song is talking about “being okay with who you are,” but I know the truth. Kermit was way ahead of his time. I mean, that line about being big like the ocean and tall as a tree? Helloo, he could have used as big as the Superdome or as tall as the Statue of Liberty, but he didn’t he went with the natural, organic alternatives. Sure, he was talking about loving himself, too, but loving himself as an environmentalist. Batman’s not the only place for double-meanings, you know. He’ll teach the world how to be green. I guarantee it. And then he won’t have to be so self-conscious about loving the environment.

32. YouTube

For those of you who have stumbled on to this site while searching for McCain supporters and are still reading, I’ll go ahead and explain what YouTube is in 20 words or less. It’s on the internet, and people post videos of themselves doing idiotic things for others to watch. Pretty much it. If you’re not sure what the internet is, then I can’t help you. Sorry. Now, those of you who are living in the 21st century with me are currently wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work. Simple. It’s kind of like the “magic 8 ball” philosophy. When there is a decision to be made, we’ll just input the question into the search bar and see what comes up. For example, if you input: “Opinion on Bailout,” you get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbzMr6hSF0. It’s a foreign opinion on the bailout. Of course, we’ll need a panel to help us interpret YouTube’s divine decision, but that’s what we have Congress for, right?

31. T. Boone Pickens

Everyone in Texas knows who this man is and also knows why he should be president. But for those of you who have no Tejas ties, I will do my best to explain it to you. T. Boone is a badass. I can just see him now, meeting foreign dignitaries and putting them immediately at ease with, “How you doin’ Ol’ Putin?” I think Vlad would be into that. It’s real. It’s genial. And let’s just go ahead and put it out there: he’s in oil (BP oil, to be exact). But he’s also in wind energy. He’s spending billions of his own money in order to make wind farms in Texas (check out Pampa, Tx), and has a legit plan for making the US less dependent on oil, more dependent on natural gas and wind energy. He even drives a car fueled by natural gas. With T. Boone Pickens, Texas is asking for a second chance at giving America a good president. We promise to get it right this time.

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Mr. Rogers, Tina, and the Red Sox

57. Mr. Rogers

Although Mr. Rogers has gone on the the neighborhood in the sky, we could hire some people to go over all of his shows and make decisions based on the advice that he gives children. Because that’s what America is – a nation of giant children. And yeah, I’m aware that he’s old, even in most of the show, but he doesn’t have that terrifying mummy look that turns people off McCain. He wears sweaters. Sweater-wearing old men aren’t scary, they’re adorable and snuggly. Which is why when he appeared in a court of law (on behalf of VCRs) or in front of Congress on numerous occasions, they always sided with him. He has a delightful agreeableness about him that is unable to be denied, even by the most unpleasant of people. Dude, if America started out every peace negotiation with, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I feel like the foreign dignitaries would say, “Sure, sounds awesome. Let’s not fight. Hug it out?” And they would.

56. Tina Fey

Did you see Saturday Night Live a couple of nights ago? Or perhaps online? Because I did. And it was fabulous. I think that Tina has done THE most excellent job this season with her spoofs of Gov. Sarah Palin, because she’s actually using Palin’s own words. In fact, by the time that Sarah Palin showed up on Saturday, there wasn’t a whole lot for her to do except stand idly by as Alec Baldwin, Fey, and Amy Poehler made fun of her. But Tina Fey also has legit qualifications. Like the ability to have a baby, make a movie, and start a TV series all at the same time. If she can balance those three things, then she should be able to balance Congress, the economy, and the war in Iraq. Plus, she gets increasingly funny when cornered. Much better than getting increasingly adorable, because she’ll be able to mock herself.
And for those of you who think Gov. Palin should be president? Take a look at the future you propose: http://www.palinaspresident.us/

55. The Red Sox

Shut your face, I know they just lost. But that’s why it’s perfect, see? Now they’re free. I think that the Red Sox as a functioning unit could pretty much take over the US government. I would make Jason Varitek the Prez himself (after all, he is team captain) so that Francona could be the Secretary of Defense. I toyed with the idea of Francona as commander-in-chief, but he’s just too much of a bamf. He’d intimidate the other world leaders with his ability to stare them down while still chewing heartily on a ginormous piece of bubble gum. In addition, I’d nominate Coco Crisp for VP because how awesome would it be to have a cereal as our VP (jk, Coco, I adore you, have your jersey). Then I’d just HAVE to make Big Papi our Secretary of State because he’s large and pleasant with a decidedly un-American accent. And considering how Americans are perceived abroad, it’s probably best if people can pretend our Secretary of State ISN’T American. The amazing thing about the Red Sox is that they are always entertaining. They might lose in the end, but they make a hell of a show of it. And that’s what we need right now, someone entertaining who pulls out all the stops and occasionally gets a win. At least one win per 4-year term, is that too much to ask? Coco says no.