Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Arnold and Maria, Yoda, a true hero, Dershy, and Colbert

10. Arnold Swarzenegger and Maria Shriver

Did anyone but me want to die inside when they realized that Maria Shriver had married one of the most conservative people on the face of the planet? All things considered, it actually gives me hope for myself, that one day I might actually be able to tolerate guys that are my type. It also gives me hope for this nation. The fact that these two people with such different political opinions can coexist in the same state let alone in the same house is baffling yet inspiring. Their marriage has created the best of both worlds for California in most cases, with Shriver working toward causes she believes in (usually liberal) under her role of wife to the Conservative governor. McCain and Obama both talk a lot about “reaching across the aisle,” which is all well and good, but Arnold would really only have to “reach across the dinner table” at Thanksgivings to work with Democrats. If the American people won’t elect a moderate president, then perhaps they’ll elect a team that symbolizes both parties. 

9. Yoda

I promise to make Yoda my last sci-fi reference, but I make no promises about making him my last fictional character. Even though Yoda isn’t “real,” he’s one of the best options that America has left to be president. Yoda is old, yes, but he’s not going anywhere. And he’s tiny, so I feel that HIS “Sad Grandpa” strategy would work far better than McCain’s since he doesn’t look like a dinosaur when he tries to smile. Yoda can’t tell us what will happen in the next eight years (“Always in motion, the future is.” So wise.), but he can help us find the right path. He’s into all the most important causes. And Yoda believes in the promise of our future – “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” – he knows that we need to leave behind a country that is not in ruins for the future. He worked to help repair the universe in Star Wars, surely he can help us repair one measly nation for the next four years.

8. A soldier currently serving our country

Surprised? Me, too. But hey, I happen to believe that a record of service IS important to your country, I just don’t want that record of service to be attached to someone who’s already made bad decisions for the country (like making Palin a viable candidate for national office). And when we’re thinking about who knows the most about the Iraq War, including what our soldiers are going through, who would be better to lead us out of this war than a soldier who is currently stationed abroad, either in Afghanistan or Iraq? The wars that we are involved in today are different enough from each other, so let’s not even start to compare them to the wars of the past. We need someone to come in a step up, speak about what our soldiers need at war and what they need when they come home. John McCain thinks he can do that, but I have very serious doubts. Let’s put someone in there who truly knows the situation and see how all of our views change. 

7. Mrs. Dershem

Mrs. Dershem currently teaches English at Mesquite High School to snot-nosed brats who don’t deserve her genius. I should know, I used to be one of those brats. As with Bill Clinton, the reasons that Dershem would be an awesome president are best expressed in list form, which will mostly be quotes.

  • She’s not really into delaying important decisions ever since that time she called the school’s front office to tell them that the bathroom was on fire and got put on hold.
  • To improve education, she has a two-fold plan, electric shock chairs and the 9mm discipline plan. Don’t freak out, it actually sounds viable…but she’s joking.
  • She’s not the biggest fan of standardized testing, because she knows what the TAKS is really saying…”I am the state of Texas and I hate you.”
  • She’s pretty much a bamf…that should be the only reason you need.
  • She once told us, “Everyone in life has windmills.” Stop and think about that. I feel that Dershy would work hard to take down a lot of those windmills for the middle class. 
  •  She cares about people. I have to say that I’m not the only one who thinks Dershem is the greatest teacher in the world, and it’s because she not only cares about literature, but she also has the ability to make you care, as well. Can you imagine what she could convince people to care about if elected president?

6. Stephen Colbert

He doesn’t beat Jon Stewart simply because he actually campaigned to be on the ballot, he beats Jon Stewart by several places because Colbert has a larger than life personality that people either love or hate. You have to inspire both as a president, and Colbert does it better. In fact, he takes everything to a presidential level while still defying political stereotypes. Which, of course, warrants another list.

  • Stephen didn’t just write a book, he dictated it. And it is a fabulous read or listen.
  • Stephen isn’t afraid to apologize when he’s wrong. He’s apologized to how many Cantons across the nation now? 
  • Steven knows he’s human and admits his faults. All of America knows about his passion for Jane Fonda, despite the fact that she’s a dirty liberal. 
  • Stephen is willing to criticize people to their faces. Just watch the YouTube video of his roast of President Bush/the media. Fearless. 
  • Stephen is a friend to the gay community. How could he not be after voicing Ace on The Ambiguously Gay Duo
  • Stephen has multiple honors bestowed on him already, such as his DNA going into space, Emmys, a spider AND an airplane named after him, and 3 Peabody Awards. Does President Bush have a Peabody? Noooooo, and neither does McCain or Obama. Colbert has three.

But most of all, Stephen Colbert isn’t just a comedian, he’s an incredibly smart man. He makes people laugh for a living, but he does it by pointing out the poor choices of our government. He, like Jon Stewart, recognizes the faults of our current government and I know that if given the chance, he could fix them. Every single one. And we would be incredibly entertained watching him while eating the ice cream that Ben & Jerry’s named after him.


Artemis, Bill, the Chicks and Brangelina

Today there are 4, tomorrow and until November 4, there will be 5 a day. Enjoy the last few posts.

24. Artemis Fowl

Harry Potter has nothing on this boy genius. For those of you who haven’t read the Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer because you stick to only your highest reading level, you’re missing out. Arty, the brainiac 14-year-old child of a crooked billionaire, not only has the highest IQ in Ireland on hie side, but also a few tricks of fairy magic he stole/finagled from his fairy friends throughout the series. Now, before you think I’m going to let the Irish mob run our country, I should point out to you that Artemis has learned the importance of kindness and other people throughout the series. I feel very confident that he would not only be able to transfer his skills into making out economy successful again, but also support s functioning healthcare program and end the war in Iraq. With a little help from his trusty bodyguard Butler and Butler’s “business associates,” aka army of professional assassins. And don’t even try to tell me there’s an age issue, because if Artemis is 14, that makes him at least 9 years older than our current president.

23. Bill Clinton

C’mon. You know the last time that this nation was truly happy was when the biggest political scandal we had to worry about focused around Bill’s zipper. Reasons why we need a return to the four years he was in office:

  • He was president during the longest peacetime economic expansion in the nation’s history.
  • He left office with a surplus of $559 billion.
  • His approval rating was 65% when he left. That’s after the scandal.
  • He created a foundation for the prevention of AIDS/HIV and global warming.
  • He signed the Family and Medical Leave Act in his first term, imagine what he could do with another 8 years.
  • Foreign nations loved him. A far cry from the feelings they have toward any Republicans now.

We’ll just have to make sure that all his interns are men. 

22. Dixie Chicks

Remember back in 2003 when everyone thought that Natalie Maines had made a huge career mistake by saying “We don’t want this war, this violence; and, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas?” I do. And now look at what we’re saying. Natalie and the other ladies in the Dixie Chicks (Martie Maguire and Emily Robison, they’re not to be underestimated) anticipated the country’s needs and opinions, they just had a little bit of a timing issue. It happens to the best of us. But you know, clearly they’re against domestic violence (check out “Goodbye Earl”) and for development of the arts, so I think that our money will go to the right places. I have to say, when I saw Martie and Emily play with two other ladies at the Mesquite Balloon Festival many years ago, before Natalie  joined the group, I said to myself, If only they had political insight, they’d be a hit band. I was very insightful myself, especially for a second grader.

21. Brangelina

I know, I know, but I’m only using their joint name to make them more viable as a candidate, clearly. I’m nominating Brad and Angelina because they have done an absolutely stellar job of cleaning up after America’s failures. Before they got together, they each did their part to help out the greater good. Brad dropped out of the J-school at Mizzou (possibly his greatest contribution to society), became incredibly hot (it’s a charity I’m thankful for every day), and supported causes such as AIDS research and ending the crisis in Darfur. Angelina is a UN Goodwill Ambassador, also looks just as attractive as Brad, and she founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children. As for their lives together, they continue to adopt children as well as make beautiful babies when they’re not busy changing the world in other ways. They work together on the ‘Make It Right’ campaign in home of New Orleans, giving homes to people who lost theirs to Hurricane Katrina. This makes them better than FEMA, or at least as good as. Finally, Brad donated $100,000 to fight the legislation overturning legalized same-sex marriage in California this year, which makes him more willing to stand up for the rights of John McCain’s daughter than McCain himself. Yeah. I said it. What now, dinosaur man?

Walken, Gates, and a pair of jokers

27. Christopher Walken

People, this nation needs more cowbell. Christopher Walken knows this, and he’s been working tirelessly to promote the popularity of cowbell in our schools. Okay, maybe not, but if he were president I’m sure that he would. And why am I so sure about all that? Because Christopher Walken is an equal opportunity actor. He doesn’t turn down any role, no matter how awful or humiliating. I mean, how else do you explain a triple-threat like him ending up in a movie like Joe Dirt? You can’t. But really, I think that General Mayhem had the right idea about making him run for president. His cult following would vote for him just because, but the rest of us would vote for his slogan. “No More Zoos!”

Also, as a sidenote, if you’d like to add more cowbell to your life, I suggest visiting http://www.morecowbell.dj/. You won’t regret it. 

26. Melinda Gates

Don’t be surprised that Bill Gates didn’t make the list. He’s just too freaking busy trying to ward off Steve Jobs to be president. But he’d make a good First Gentleman, so it’s not really a problem to nominate Melinda here. Melinda is right there in the title of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which means that she’s not afraid to use her name and her money to promote education and access to technology in the US as well as enhance worldwide healthcare. A lot of the time, global charities are passed over for a more localized impact, but in this case, Melinda’s organization takes on issues abroad as well as here at home. And if you don’t think that she has the killer instinct to run the country, let’s remember that she was born in Dallas. We’re kind of betches, but we can take care of ourselves.

25. Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein

Have you ever wondered exactly what the meaning of “is” is? If you have, then you should write in ‘Bill Clinton’ this year, but if you’re pretty sure you’ve got basic vocabulary down, you might want to give this pair a chance. Cathcart and Klein wrote the book Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington in an effort to help people understand not only what political double-speak means, but how easy it is to fall into it. And they do it all with jokes. How fabulous is that? If only they could explain the “the VP’s in charge of the senate” comment to us. The one explanation they can’t give us, however, is WHY politicians do it. Is it a perceived stupidity on our part or are we simply electing idiots? Maybe if we send them to the White House, they’ll have an answer for us.

The Dog, George Mitchell, and Sam Gosling

66. Dog the Bounty Hunter

For those of you who are not aware, Dog is actually a person. His full name is Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman and he works for a bail bonds agency in Hawaii. How have I heard of him? He has a show (on A&E, but shhhh…don’t tell anyone I watch that channel) following his daily routine: finding criminals who haven’t paid their bail bond and bringing them in. I realize that in suggesting him for presidency, his record of 18 armed robbery and one first degree murder convictions might come up. But here’s my argument: more than anything, America LOVES a reformed sinner. It’s even better if this reformed sinner is religious, which the Dog is. He’s bringing in the people who are sinking this economy by not paying their dues everyday, and I’d love to hear his plan for getting us out of Iraq. Admittedly, he doesn’t have the greatest foreign policy reputation since his Mexico arrest, but I feel that at least he has experience. AND he can see international waters from his house. 

65. George Mitchell

George Mitchell is on this list for three reasons. One, he has experience in politics AND business. Mitchell served in the Senate (for Maine) for fourteen years. When he chose to leave the senate, President Bill Clinton asked him to assist Northern Ireland with resolving its conflicts. Through his efforts, the Good Friday agreement was produced, without any US military action (astounding, we can bring peace WITHOUT death sometimes). In addition to political success, he’s also been on the Board of Directors for the Boston Red Sox and the was Chairman of the Board for Disney from Eisner’s 2004 resignation to 2007. Two, even though he’s older than McCain, the man left politics in 1995. He got out while he was ahead, before he developed the ability to make inane decisions like picking some obscure politician as your running mate based on her gender. Three, he made baseball an honest sport again. That’s right, he’s the man who made the list of those 89 professional baseball players using prohibited substances to boost performance. He didn’t allow himself to be smooth-talked by anyone, not even Andy Pettitte. Of course, these players all later admitted their mistakes and were forgiven without question or further mention by the American people. It’s the American way. All but Clemens, that is…which leads me to ask…how long has Roger Clemens been harboring anti-American ideals?

64. Sam Gosling

Sam Gosling is the author of an incredibly insightful book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. I know, not the most academic of titles, but I hear that America’s against elitism these days. Gosling runs the Gosling Lab (shocker, I know) at the University of Texas – Austin’s psychology department. There, they study “how personality is revealed in real-world contexts of everyday life,” according to their website. In other words, they study the way that people construct their environments (offices, bedrooms, musical playlists, etc) and study what it says about that person’s personality. It’s a little complicated to explain on a blog, but let’s just say that I think it would be a TREMENDOUS asset to have a president with these kinds of skills. I mean, let’s say President Gosling walks into the office of Kim Jong-il and can tell what kind of personality he has, how he can get under his skin, and what behaviors to avoid. Then, magically, the US manages to convince North Korea to outsource half their jobs to the US and give us a loan to cover the bailout, as well as become our international “bus buddy.” Wouldn’t that be fabulous?