Tag Archives: bartender

Barman, Mulan, the fresh prince, John Stewart, and mi padre.

20. The bartender down the street

I whole-heartedly believe that there should be a long list of prerequisites for being President. Not the list that we have now, but a list of experiences. For example, you should have experience as a community organizer, a senator, etc. One of those requirements should be that you worked in a position that put you in high contact with drunkies. The best position for this is clearly as an RA, but second best is a bartender. People who are drunk are the dumbest people in the world. Even smart people, when intoxicated, say and do ridiculous things. Which is why on this, the morning after Halloween, the nation’s most promising college students are waking up and asking themselves ‘What the hell did I do last night?‘ The bartender is one of the few people in the world that can answer that question. I mean, if I knew that the person answering the red phone at 3 am had been the manager of a bar at one point in life, I would feel so much safer. What’s a nuclear weapon compared to drunk wielding a broken Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle? 

19. Mulan

Have you SEEN this Disney film? I mean, clearly Mulan has plenty of foreign policy experience, seeing as how she’s from a different country, and she also has plenty of experience in battle. I mean, that old man gave her a medal at the end. That’s got to count for something. And let’s not forget that she managed to get the guy at the end as well. Of all the Disney princesses, she is clearly the least sexist character. Don’t get me wrong, that whole “Make a Man Out of You” song is a little offensive and (in my opinion) sexually-driven, but she proves all of them wrong in the end. Who here actually believes that Sarah Palin could prove herself worthy without harming a moose? No one. And hey, they DON’T kill her for being a woman, which makes me believe that not only is she a safer bet than McCain, she’s probably also a safer bet than Hillary Clinton would have been. 

18. Will Smith

From a rapper to a prince to his latest box office incarnation as a reluctant superhero, WIll Smith can play any part given to him. Playing the a US president in reality shouldn’t be any issue for him. I mean, people in all nations love him (he even appeared on Indian Idol as proof), so I’m pretty sure that he could charm any foreign ruler into giving up his “weapons of mass destruction,” otherwise known as “foam rocket models.” In 2007, he was ranked #5 on EW’s ’50 Smartest People in Hollywood’ list, which leads me to believe that he could teach America to rebound our economy by making everyone package each product with a song for more revenue. We already make Hallmark cards with sound, it’s not that much of a leap to write songs to to accompany our organic produce. Dude, Will Smith can write a song for anything. Any TV show, movie, and certainly any political campaign. So America, please let this man make a run for the White House, if only to give us one more taste of that Will Smith-style rap. It’s not enough to watch him play a presidential candidate, I want the real deal. 

17. John Stewart

“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy.”

Ah, Jon Stewart. You have waited a long time to be on this list and now you are. Congrats. Jon Stewart rocks my world. I could make the longest list of quotes in the world to illustrate his political experience, but I think that we’re all aware of his show and his book (America). He’s hilarious and I love him. You should love him, too. He knows how NOT to be a president, thanks to our current president, so once he eliminates all of the flawed behaviors, I’m fairly certain that we will be left with one perfect president. Plus, the people that he would pick for his cabinet are pretty freakin’ awesome. Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Rob and Wyatt in real government? Well, at least the other countries would still be entertained by us and it wouldn’t be because we’re playing a real-life video game with our soldiers. I just hope it’s not too scary for him.

16. My dad

I’m really just doing this to annoy my dad. He has zero interest in being a politician, which, coincidentally, might be a good thing for any future president. My motivations not withstanding, I think my dad would make an excellent President. I mean, there’s not a whole lot of embarrassment to worry about from my sister and me, unlike the current Texan daughters. My dad’s a moderate. This is the reason that my dad would never actually be president, because I can’t ever see a moderate being elected, but it’s just what we need. The list of other reasons why my dad would be a good president could go on for quite some time, but I’ll try and sum it up rather quickly here. He’s in better health than McCain, I seriously doubt that he would pick Sarah Palin as his Veep, and my dogs would be the cutest White House dogs ever. Sorry, Barney and Miss Beazley, but it’s true. Jackie looks respectable and regal, Holly’s the one who will keep the press in line, and Shaun can entertain the other politicians’ kids.