Tag Archives: Apple

William Shatner, Match.com, and Mario

42. William Shatner

Shatner is the effing man. For those of you who disagree, please note that in his career, he has played a Star Trek captain, a bad-ass detective, and the head of the Dodgeball National League. I mean, he’s got all the areas covered as far as experience goes. Judicial branch? TJ Hooker. Executive branch? Dodgeball takes a lot of executive qualities to even play, let alone rule over. Legislative branch? Okay, well I don’t care if he’s never been in the senate, he was freaking Captain Kirk, ok? He went where NO man had ever gone before and then came back to Earth to teach us his speak-singing ways. I mean, the best part of Shatner being elected would be that he would allow us to use his rendition of ‘Common People’ as our new, middle-class friendly national anthem. 

41. Match.com

According to their commercial, eHarmony helps people find their true soul mates online. Now, I know there are those who doubt its abilities to actually help people (see http://glowormwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/09/10/your-soulmate-is-not-waiting-for-you-online/), but I happen to believe that the American people aren’t REALLY looking for a soul mate. We want someone to help us now, to make sure that we don’t choke to death, alone in our apartments except for our cats, who will eventually be hungry. And so I enlist Match.com to give us what we need. A 700 million person bailout plan for our television-stunted society. I mean, why go to a bar and go through the motions ourselves (Oh, my God, you have a Mac? I have a Mac. You wanna come back to my apartment and see it? It’s on my desk, which is next to my king-size bed with silk sheets and a pillow-top mattress.) when we can just hire a service to do it for us? Once we’re all happy in our Ikea-filled living rooms watching Grey’s Anatomy or laughing at the new Tyler Perry film while we wait for our Domino’s pizza, we won’t care that our economy’s crap, the rest of the world hates us, and that soon we’ll be bankrupt because our birth control prescription costs are rising to new heights without any sort of healthcare reform. Welcome to 100% approval ratings, Match.com. And hey, if we don’t like it, we can just cancel before our free trial expires.

40. Mario

This pudgy little Italian man is quite possibly the most skilled video game character in the world. Not only does he do puzzles, race go carts, defeat evil and rescue the princess, but he also cooks a mean lasagna. He would also be the happiest president we’ve ever had. I can just see him now, walking into a tense world leaders summit and putting the world at ease with his greeting. “It’s a-me! The President!” Immediate relief would fill the others. This relief would also extend to the American people, but for more reason than his adorable catch phrases. Can you imagine what having a man who’s sold over 285 million units of his video games will do for America’s economy? We’ll pull the whole world out of the gutter. The only problem I can see is that Obama, being the wily fox that he is, might see through Mario’s beard of a relationship with Princess Peach and out Mario and Luigi as the longest gay relationship in video game history. They’re not really brothers, but “brothers,” you know?

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That one guy, that one actor, and that one computer genius

48. That one guy you knew in high school

I feel confident in saying that everyone knew that one guy in high school who had world domination (or at least presidential) daydreams. In my case, that one guy was actually pretty smart – but mostly ridiculously funny. He went to college at Tulane, so I feel fairly confident that he’s getting a decent education that might allow him to pursue the presidency one day. Let’s put it this way, he’s smart enough not to tell third graders that he runs the Senate and funny enough to entertain us for the next 4-8 years. The one downside is that people who are not raised in a political background tend to want world domination. You’re nodding at home, I know. But this isn’t a problem as long as they actually succeed in conquering the world. I feel like my guy definitely would, considering that his plan involves banishing people to the sun. How about yours? Too bad we can’t vote for him now…guess we just have to hope there’s an America to have an election by the time they’re old enough.

47. Daniel Radcliffe

I have already gotten the comments that some of the people on this list aren’t actually able to be elected because they’re “from another country.” Yeah, and? See, I feel like perhaps this country has screwed up enough, and we need some outside influence to give us a little perspective. Danny boy here actually managed to make the leap this year from The Boy Who Lived to screwed-up-boy-who-loves-horses. And now Equus has come from the London stage to the New York stage. If he can deal with being the youngest person to ever be put in the National Portrait Gallery in Britain as an individual, he can deal with being the youngest American president, too. Plus, the next time that we get attacked by terrorists, he can just protect us with a wave of his wand. (I had to.)

46. Steve Jobs

Apple is taking over the world. For reals. The media already loves Apple, possibly because the University of Missouri makes all their journalists buy it and we’re the shit, which means that it’s only a matter of time until WalMart joins up and it’s all over for PCs. It’ll happen, they’re connected to Disney, and Disney already rules the world of 10 and under. Which is why we need Steve Jobs as our president. We need someone who is ready for the future. We need someone who can challenge what everyone’s used to and switch them to a new operating system government. We need someone who can sell us to the rest of the world. This person is Steve Jobs. Can you imagine a commercial that starts out, “Hi, I’m America. And I’m a terrorist.” Plus, I’m pretty sure that we might be able to convince him to give us all a wicked discount on iPods. Hells yes.