Tag Archives: America

Kingster, Coopster, and Klinester

45. The Burger King man

Burger King’s commercials have entered my dreams since the minute I saw them. And not in a good way. I mean, clearly he has ruling experience, and he knows what the American people REALLY want (fried crap with trans fats), but those are small potatoes compared to the benefits that come with his physical appearance. His horrifying plastic head could scare the crap out of any terrorist he sees. I mean, we might be in trouble for torture, but if we could get away from it, we could convince those people in Guantanamo to tell the truth by sending our president to stare at them for hours on end. And his powers could be used for good, too. I mean, if you knew that you were going to sit through peace negotiations with that face staring at you the whole time, wouldn’t you make the peace asap? I know I would.

44. Anderson Cooper

I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself (and occasionally to others) “What does Anderson Cooper think he’s doing? That pale man is going to get himself killed.” And yet, as I type this, Anderson Cooper is 100% alive and kicking, running Anderson Cooper 360. He’s seen a lot of the world, from covering the death of Pope John Paul II to numerous natural disasters. He knows what’s up, he understands the place that America holds in the world, possibly better than either of the candidates. Obama will forgive me for that, I’m sure. And I think that the American people deserve someone who can see the big picture, the affect that we’re having on the global society. Plus, have you seen his piercing “don’t-give-me-any-crap” look? It works.

43. Kevin Kline

Mr. Kline is quite the accomplished actor, it’s true. He’s been in films such as A Fish Called Wanda, Soapdish, and A Prairie Home Companion. However, I’m not really so interested in the real him (no offense, you lovely man) because I feel that his role as Dave in (big surprise) Dave is the perfect president. I mean, he set things straight that needed to be righted by the previous president and accepted the blame for a lot of crap. What gives me a ridiculous amount of faith in the character of Dave is that he steps out of the picture when America needs him to. I mean, I cannot see John McCain stepping out of the picture if it was best for America, and if he did, we would be left with Sarah Palin. You know that woman’s not letting go of the presidency, because then she’d have to give back that $150,000 of clothes.


Helvetica, Dr. Phil, and Janeway

Because I missed yesterday, there are two for today. Enjoy, chillins.

60. Gary Hustwit

Because a font cannot speak for itself, let alone rule the US, I have to use Gary Hustwit as its acting commander-in-chief. Helvetica is everywhere. You may or may not have seen Helvetica up to 2000 times today. It just depends on if you work in design/journalism or if you just take care of sick people all day. Hustwit made the movie about the world’s most popular font, and to do that he had to study its power and sex appeal. The secret? Swiss design. Because Hustwit understands the font that rules the world better than anyone, he will be able to convince world leaders to do anything he wants. All he has to do is print his proposal in Helvetica and the other guy’s in Copperplate Bold. They won’t have a chance.

59. Dr. Phil

I hate Dr. Phil. But for some reason, the rest of America seems to love him. The secret to his popularity isn’t hard to figure out. People aren’t huge fans of elitists, they want someone that they would feel comfortable grabbing a beer (or eight) with. How else can we explain the last eight years? Dr. Phil’s down-home accent and no-crap attitude are appealing to the general population. He could care less about people’s mothers, and they are thankful for it. They don’t want to talk about anything but themselves. So go ahead America, elect Dr. Phil. He’d be there to listen to the entire nation’s concerns, and to tell them to ‘get real’ about their finances, the healthcare reform, and the fact that their kids need decent sex ed. There may not be a lot of progress, but at least we’d all know where we stand.

58. Captain Janeway

My nerd is showing, I know, so shush. In life, I think that everyone has to let their nerd out every now and again. For those of you who aren’t doomed to a life of embarrassment whenever people reference ‘Trekkies’ because of a childhood phase, Captain Janeway is captain of Voyager, the Star Trek series of the nineties. Lame? Yes. But I fully believe that any woman who can safely guide her ship through another quadrant for years and years just to bring them home while only using a few no-name crew members is fully capable of running the country. She believes in equality for all people and takes care of her own, even when resources are in short supply. America could probably do with a little Prime Directive, which states that cultures should be left to their own devices in almost all cases. Plus, I mean, she could bring us all the sweet future technology, you know, since she’d have to time travel to be our president. And become real…

A butterfly, a Fonda, and a nation

63. Julia Butterfly Hill

Ms. Hill founded the Circle of Life, which has now spread into the Engage Network. The Engage Network encourages strong and vibrant communities to promote environmental awareness. It operates through small, purpose-driven groups in the community. Perhaps if she could teach America how to work together, aside one another, it would give our economy a boost. Not to mention what would happen if she could convince the House and the Senate to work together. However, Hill is best known, however, for living in “Luna,” a redwood tree threatened by the Pacific Lumber Company, for 738 days. That is dedication. The Lumber Company agreed to save poor Luna, which shows that she can win a war in less than 7 years. Impressive, no? Best of all, the Red Hot Chili Peppers AND Neil Young have put her in their songs. That’s when you know you’re ready for presidency, when musicians use you as obscure references in their songs.

62. Jane Fonda

Yeah, I know that Jane’s quite the controversial lady, but you have to admit the woman knows how to make a name for herself.  Okay, so she may have used the “c” word on national television this year, and okay, she may have “supported” the Vietnamese rather than the American troops at some points during the Vietnam War. But let’s consider that she apologized for the complications that arose from her stunts, and that she was really simply trying to bring peace to Vietnam. She has also been a strong supporter of feminist causes, which is a lot more than can be said for wither McCain OR his running mate. And let’s not forget her 2001 conversion to Christianity. See? Something for everyone. Jane Fonda is just the woman to run this country. I mean, let’s just consider for a minute the idea that American’s are an overweight population. If she were elected president, our children might not be saying a pledge to the flag every morning, but I bet you they’d know the Jane Fonda’s Start Up video by heart. Children of all economic classes would soon be sporting the catch phrase, “go for the burn!”

61. Canada

That’s right, I think that our neighbors to the north would do a much better job at running the US than John McCain. Canada has long been the focus of American comedians, as shown in the film South Park. It’s been quite some time since a country has had a “colony,” but I feel like we’d be better off as the fifty colonies of Canada rather than ruled by John McCain. This way, everyone would have nationalized healthcare (which I realize isn’t the best choice, but it’s better than that joke of a plan McCain is suggesting) and they ARE our largest trading partners. We share pretty much everything with Canada, from military campaigns to Niagra Falls, so why not just share governments too?. Plus, they apologized for wronging the aboriginal people this year. Have we really officially apologized for much as a country? Not really. America could do with some humility every now and then, and I can’t think of anything more humiliating than belonging to Canada, the country we so often mock, for the next four years.