Tag Archives: America

Arnold and Maria, Yoda, a true hero, Dershy, and Colbert

10. Arnold Swarzenegger and Maria Shriver

Did anyone but me want to die inside when they realized that Maria Shriver had married one of the most conservative people on the face of the planet? All things considered, it actually gives me hope for myself, that one day I might actually be able to tolerate guys that are my type. It also gives me hope for this nation. The fact that these two people with such different political opinions can coexist in the same state let alone in the same house is baffling yet inspiring. Their marriage has created the best of both worlds for California in most cases, with Shriver working toward causes she believes in (usually liberal) under her role of wife to the Conservative governor. McCain and Obama both talk a lot about “reaching across the aisle,” which is all well and good, but Arnold would really only have to “reach across the dinner table” at Thanksgivings to work with Democrats. If the American people won’t elect a moderate president, then perhaps they’ll elect a team that symbolizes both parties. 

9. Yoda

I promise to make Yoda my last sci-fi reference, but I make no promises about making him my last fictional character. Even though Yoda isn’t “real,” he’s one of the best options that America has left to be president. Yoda is old, yes, but he’s not going anywhere. And he’s tiny, so I feel that HIS “Sad Grandpa” strategy would work far better than McCain’s since he doesn’t look like a dinosaur when he tries to smile. Yoda can’t tell us what will happen in the next eight years (“Always in motion, the future is.” So wise.), but he can help us find the right path. He’s into all the most important causes. And Yoda believes in the promise of our future – “Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” – he knows that we need to leave behind a country that is not in ruins for the future. He worked to help repair the universe in Star Wars, surely he can help us repair one measly nation for the next four years.

8. A soldier currently serving our country

Surprised? Me, too. But hey, I happen to believe that a record of service IS important to your country, I just don’t want that record of service to be attached to someone who’s already made bad decisions for the country (like making Palin a viable candidate for national office). And when we’re thinking about who knows the most about the Iraq War, including what our soldiers are going through, who would be better to lead us out of this war than a soldier who is currently stationed abroad, either in Afghanistan or Iraq? The wars that we are involved in today are different enough from each other, so let’s not even start to compare them to the wars of the past. We need someone to come in a step up, speak about what our soldiers need at war and what they need when they come home. John McCain thinks he can do that, but I have very serious doubts. Let’s put someone in there who truly knows the situation and see how all of our views change. 

7. Mrs. Dershem

Mrs. Dershem currently teaches English at Mesquite High School to snot-nosed brats who don’t deserve her genius. I should know, I used to be one of those brats. As with Bill Clinton, the reasons that Dershem would be an awesome president are best expressed in list form, which will mostly be quotes.

  • She’s not really into delaying important decisions ever since that time she called the school’s front office to tell them that the bathroom was on fire and got put on hold.
  • To improve education, she has a two-fold plan, electric shock chairs and the 9mm discipline plan. Don’t freak out, it actually sounds viable…but she’s joking.
  • She’s not the biggest fan of standardized testing, because she knows what the TAKS is really saying…”I am the state of Texas and I hate you.”
  • She’s pretty much a bamf…that should be the only reason you need.
  • She once told us, “Everyone in life has windmills.” Stop and think about that. I feel that Dershy would work hard to take down a lot of those windmills for the middle class. 
  •  She cares about people. I have to say that I’m not the only one who thinks Dershem is the greatest teacher in the world, and it’s because she not only cares about literature, but she also has the ability to make you care, as well. Can you imagine what she could convince people to care about if elected president?

6. Stephen Colbert

He doesn’t beat Jon Stewart simply because he actually campaigned to be on the ballot, he beats Jon Stewart by several places because Colbert has a larger than life personality that people either love or hate. You have to inspire both as a president, and Colbert does it better. In fact, he takes everything to a presidential level while still defying political stereotypes. Which, of course, warrants another list.

  • Stephen didn’t just write a book, he dictated it. And it is a fabulous read or listen.
  • Stephen isn’t afraid to apologize when he’s wrong. He’s apologized to how many Cantons across the nation now? 
  • Steven knows he’s human and admits his faults. All of America knows about his passion for Jane Fonda, despite the fact that she’s a dirty liberal. 
  • Stephen is willing to criticize people to their faces. Just watch the YouTube video of his roast of President Bush/the media. Fearless. 
  • Stephen is a friend to the gay community. How could he not be after voicing Ace on The Ambiguously Gay Duo
  • Stephen has multiple honors bestowed on him already, such as his DNA going into space, Emmys, a spider AND an airplane named after him, and 3 Peabody Awards. Does President Bush have a Peabody? Noooooo, and neither does McCain or Obama. Colbert has three.

But most of all, Stephen Colbert isn’t just a comedian, he’s an incredibly smart man. He makes people laugh for a living, but he does it by pointing out the poor choices of our government. He, like Jon Stewart, recognizes the faults of our current government and I know that if given the chance, he could fix them. Every single one. And we would be incredibly entertained watching him while eating the ice cream that Ben & Jerry’s named after him.

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Bond, Bri-Wi, Raiders, Joe 6-pack, and Michelle

15. James Bond

I grew up watching Mr. Bond change from Connery to Brosnan, and I have to say that I think he would be an excellent president. He’s suave, smooth, and hella sexy in all situations. He may not be the biggest fan of the pro-feminist movement, but with his latest film (Quantum of Solace) showing a softer side, I can imagine his working with charities to save endangered animals. And let’s not forget that he can always counteract his womanizer tendencies by making Miss Moneypenny his VP candidate. She put up with James’s philandering ways for years, so it’ll be nothing to win over the rulers of other nations while still keeping them at a respectable distance. Though I have yet to see the movie, I feel that he is going to be far better at the whole revenge thing than Dubya has been with Iraq. But really, how kickass would it be to have James freaking Bond as our president? Pretty damn amazing.

14. Brian Williams

If you don’t watch NBC Nightly News, you’re missing out on one of the best news shows on television. When Brian Williams took over for Tom Brokaw in 2004, the show really took a different turn. It’s not that I don’t like Brokaw, I do, but Brian Williams has one defining difference. He revels in laughing at himself. I mean, he was the first national news anchor to ever host Saturday Night Live, and I’m fairly sure that he was the first anchor to ever appear as a giant floating head on The Daily Show. But Bri-Wi has a serious side, too. Though he did spend a little time working for President Carter, I feel he’s learned far more in his current role. His extensive journalism experience has given him foreign policy experience (Princess Diana’s funeral, Indian tsunami, the Olympics), crisis management training (Virginia Tech, bridge collapse), and a sense of what this country needs. He was there for Hurricane Katrina, inside the superdome. When Pres. Bush was nowhere to be found, Brian Williams was there. I know he’s going to be there for us in the future, I only wish he were in a position to use his experience and influence to right the wrongs rather than simply drawing our attention to them. But I’ll take all I can get.

13. Graham Harrel and Michael Crabtree

Originally, this was my “for that one person I’ll realize that I forgot” spot. But hell, if I forgot someone, tough luck, because these two men deserve all the recognition in the world. While McCain was desperately trying to be funny on SNL to gain a last-minute boost, Harrel and Crabtree were delivering the first win over a top-ranked team for the Texas Tech fans. A stellar, heart-stopping one at that. Do I go to Tech? No, and I took pride in flaunting Mizzou’s heavy-handed victory over my father last year. But when Harrel sailed that pass into Crabtree’s arms, I held my breath. Two seconds later, it came out in a scream as Crabtree crossed the line. How many Americans can say that we get that excited about anything our government does? I mean, if I tried to hold my breath for the end of the war in Iraq, I would have passed out about five billion times by now. And with the rest of the team designated to suitable cabinet positions, we’re sure to keep the rest of the world on its toes, squeaking out a success just in time. Because, as the fans will (and did last night) tell you, Texas Tech is no joke. And neither is America, something the rest of the world needs to remember.

12. Joe 6-pack

There are people who would say that all Sarah Palin did when she started using the term “Joe 6-pack” was give college students the easiest Halloween costume ever. But I say that she made people realize just how many of them are better suited for the job than her running mate. Or at least how different her running mate is from Joe 6-pack. McCain talks a lot about wanting to work for the middle class, the Joe 6-pack, but how can a man who owns 7 houses know what people concerned with only one household need? Joe 6-pack may not have any real foreign policy experience or a record of service to the country, but damn it, he knows that No Child Left Behind is leaving his kid behind. He knows that the Bush tax cuts aren’t helping his class. He knows that it’s time to get out of Iraq and bring his kid home before it’s too late. Joe 6-pack is much better equipped than Senator McCain to do what’s right for the majority of the country, because what’s right for the country is what’s right for him. So let’s let Joe do what’s Americans do best: look out for #1. He’ll be doing us all a favor.

11. Michelle Obama

We have not seen a woman this graceful and poised since Jackie O., I’m pretty sure. And I named my oldest dog after our most glamorous First Lady, so you can be sure that she was a winner. I’m very careful about what I name things. Michelle is the best of America in one person. She grew up in a family that was pretty much the epitome of the American dream, meaning that they spent a lot of family time together at the dinner table and over board games. That’s more than John McCain can say for his own family, seeing as how the man running on behalf of family values left his wife for ‘the other woman’ (nothing against Cindy, now, but it’s a fact). And Michelle went to Princeton, then Harvard Law, which explains her sharp wit. She’s not someone who relishes the campaign circuit, but she could have fooled me with her speeches. I think she’s a far stronger role model for young girls than Sarah Palin, certainly, because she actually supports her own gender. And let’s not forget that, like Bri-Wi, she isn’t afraid to laugh at herself or her husband. Let’s put a little grace and humor back into the White House, please.

Barman, Mulan, the fresh prince, John Stewart, and mi padre.

20. The bartender down the street

I whole-heartedly believe that there should be a long list of prerequisites for being President. Not the list that we have now, but a list of experiences. For example, you should have experience as a community organizer, a senator, etc. One of those requirements should be that you worked in a position that put you in high contact with drunkies. The best position for this is clearly as an RA, but second best is a bartender. People who are drunk are the dumbest people in the world. Even smart people, when intoxicated, say and do ridiculous things. Which is why on this, the morning after Halloween, the nation’s most promising college students are waking up and asking themselves ‘What the hell did I do last night?‘ The bartender is one of the few people in the world that can answer that question. I mean, if I knew that the person answering the red phone at 3 am had been the manager of a bar at one point in life, I would feel so much safer. What’s a nuclear weapon compared to drunk wielding a broken Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle? 

19. Mulan

Have you SEEN this Disney film? I mean, clearly Mulan has plenty of foreign policy experience, seeing as how she’s from a different country, and she also has plenty of experience in battle. I mean, that old man gave her a medal at the end. That’s got to count for something. And let’s not forget that she managed to get the guy at the end as well. Of all the Disney princesses, she is clearly the least sexist character. Don’t get me wrong, that whole “Make a Man Out of You” song is a little offensive and (in my opinion) sexually-driven, but she proves all of them wrong in the end. Who here actually believes that Sarah Palin could prove herself worthy without harming a moose? No one. And hey, they DON’T kill her for being a woman, which makes me believe that not only is she a safer bet than McCain, she’s probably also a safer bet than Hillary Clinton would have been. 

18. Will Smith

From a rapper to a prince to his latest box office incarnation as a reluctant superhero, WIll Smith can play any part given to him. Playing the a US president in reality shouldn’t be any issue for him. I mean, people in all nations love him (he even appeared on Indian Idol as proof), so I’m pretty sure that he could charm any foreign ruler into giving up his “weapons of mass destruction,” otherwise known as “foam rocket models.” In 2007, he was ranked #5 on EW’s ’50 Smartest People in Hollywood’ list, which leads me to believe that he could teach America to rebound our economy by making everyone package each product with a song for more revenue. We already make Hallmark cards with sound, it’s not that much of a leap to write songs to to accompany our organic produce. Dude, Will Smith can write a song for anything. Any TV show, movie, and certainly any political campaign. So America, please let this man make a run for the White House, if only to give us one more taste of that Will Smith-style rap. It’s not enough to watch him play a presidential candidate, I want the real deal. 

17. John Stewart

“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy.”

Ah, Jon Stewart. You have waited a long time to be on this list and now you are. Congrats. Jon Stewart rocks my world. I could make the longest list of quotes in the world to illustrate his political experience, but I think that we’re all aware of his show and his book (America). He’s hilarious and I love him. You should love him, too. He knows how NOT to be a president, thanks to our current president, so once he eliminates all of the flawed behaviors, I’m fairly certain that we will be left with one perfect president. Plus, the people that he would pick for his cabinet are pretty freakin’ awesome. Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Rob and Wyatt in real government? Well, at least the other countries would still be entertained by us and it wouldn’t be because we’re playing a real-life video game with our soldiers. I just hope it’s not too scary for him.

16. My dad

I’m really just doing this to annoy my dad. He has zero interest in being a politician, which, coincidentally, might be a good thing for any future president. My motivations not withstanding, I think my dad would make an excellent President. I mean, there’s not a whole lot of embarrassment to worry about from my sister and me, unlike the current Texan daughters. My dad’s a moderate. This is the reason that my dad would never actually be president, because I can’t ever see a moderate being elected, but it’s just what we need. The list of other reasons why my dad would be a good president could go on for quite some time, but I’ll try and sum it up rather quickly here. He’s in better health than McCain, I seriously doubt that he would pick Sarah Palin as his Veep, and my dogs would be the cutest White House dogs ever. Sorry, Barney and Miss Beazley, but it’s true. Jackie looks respectable and regal, Holly’s the one who will keep the press in line, and Shaun can entertain the other politicians’ kids.

Walken, Gates, and a pair of jokers

27. Christopher Walken

People, this nation needs more cowbell. Christopher Walken knows this, and he’s been working tirelessly to promote the popularity of cowbell in our schools. Okay, maybe not, but if he were president I’m sure that he would. And why am I so sure about all that? Because Christopher Walken is an equal opportunity actor. He doesn’t turn down any role, no matter how awful or humiliating. I mean, how else do you explain a triple-threat like him ending up in a movie like Joe Dirt? You can’t. But really, I think that General Mayhem had the right idea about making him run for president. His cult following would vote for him just because, but the rest of us would vote for his slogan. “No More Zoos!”

Also, as a sidenote, if you’d like to add more cowbell to your life, I suggest visiting http://www.morecowbell.dj/. You won’t regret it. 

26. Melinda Gates

Don’t be surprised that Bill Gates didn’t make the list. He’s just too freaking busy trying to ward off Steve Jobs to be president. But he’d make a good First Gentleman, so it’s not really a problem to nominate Melinda here. Melinda is right there in the title of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which means that she’s not afraid to use her name and her money to promote education and access to technology in the US as well as enhance worldwide healthcare. A lot of the time, global charities are passed over for a more localized impact, but in this case, Melinda’s organization takes on issues abroad as well as here at home. And if you don’t think that she has the killer instinct to run the country, let’s remember that she was born in Dallas. We’re kind of betches, but we can take care of ourselves.

25. Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein

Have you ever wondered exactly what the meaning of “is” is? If you have, then you should write in ‘Bill Clinton’ this year, but if you’re pretty sure you’ve got basic vocabulary down, you might want to give this pair a chance. Cathcart and Klein wrote the book Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington in an effort to help people understand not only what political double-speak means, but how easy it is to fall into it. And they do it all with jokes. How fabulous is that? If only they could explain the “the VP’s in charge of the senate” comment to us. The one explanation they can’t give us, however, is WHY politicians do it. Is it a perceived stupidity on our part or are we simply electing idiots? Maybe if we send them to the White House, they’ll have an answer for us.

Kermit, YouTube, and Pickens

33. Kermit

Oh, Kermie. You know just what this country needs. And someday we’ll find it. The Rainbow Connection? The lover, the dreamer, and you. In addition to his delightful assessment of our need to dream big, reach for the stars, be all that we can be (oh yes, Kermit related to the education system AND the army in one song), Kermit also knows the secret to one of the biggest challenges we face as Americans. The environment and living with a reduced footprint. Kermit knows the challenges that we face in adapting to our environment. After all, the only song that is better known than ‘Rainbow Connection’ in the Muppet World is his own little motto: It Isn’t Easy Being Green. True dat, Kermie. I know that a lot of people think the song is talking about “being okay with who you are,” but I know the truth. Kermit was way ahead of his time. I mean, that line about being big like the ocean and tall as a tree? Helloo, he could have used as big as the Superdome or as tall as the Statue of Liberty, but he didn’t he went with the natural, organic alternatives. Sure, he was talking about loving himself, too, but loving himself as an environmentalist. Batman’s not the only place for double-meanings, you know. He’ll teach the world how to be green. I guarantee it. And then he won’t have to be so self-conscious about loving the environment.

32. YouTube

For those of you who have stumbled on to this site while searching for McCain supporters and are still reading, I’ll go ahead and explain what YouTube is in 20 words or less. It’s on the internet, and people post videos of themselves doing idiotic things for others to watch. Pretty much it. If you’re not sure what the internet is, then I can’t help you. Sorry. Now, those of you who are living in the 21st century with me are currently wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work. Simple. It’s kind of like the “magic 8 ball” philosophy. When there is a decision to be made, we’ll just input the question into the search bar and see what comes up. For example, if you input: “Opinion on Bailout,” you get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbzMr6hSF0. It’s a foreign opinion on the bailout. Of course, we’ll need a panel to help us interpret YouTube’s divine decision, but that’s what we have Congress for, right?

31. T. Boone Pickens

Everyone in Texas knows who this man is and also knows why he should be president. But for those of you who have no Tejas ties, I will do my best to explain it to you. T. Boone is a badass. I can just see him now, meeting foreign dignitaries and putting them immediately at ease with, “How you doin’ Ol’ Putin?” I think Vlad would be into that. It’s real. It’s genial. And let’s just go ahead and put it out there: he’s in oil (BP oil, to be exact). But he’s also in wind energy. He’s spending billions of his own money in order to make wind farms in Texas (check out Pampa, Tx), and has a legit plan for making the US less dependent on oil, more dependent on natural gas and wind energy. He even drives a car fueled by natural gas. With T. Boone Pickens, Texas is asking for a second chance at giving America a good president. We promise to get it right this time.

M.I.A., Rudy, and Leo

39. M.I.A.

I wish that I could say you’d been living in a cave if you haven’t heard of M.I.A., but I can’t. The thing with so-called “world music” is that it’s never going to be very popular. M.I.A., however, has managed to make a small name for herself even here in America (she lives in England). I’m going to credit her slight popularity to her willingness to make very strong political statements with her songs. If you’re interested in hearing her music, I suggest you go ahead and check out her website. Her tunes may not be quite as catchy as ‘Womanizer,’ but check out the words in ‘Boyz.’ A pop princess would never write such a political statement. She’s clearly got a plan in mind for change, and I have to say that I can’t think of anyone more qualified as far as foreign culture experience goes, it won’t take much to make the leap to foreign policy. Also, might I point out that she has her own fashion line, which means that she’ll be MAKING money at clothing stores, not wasting it on clothes that will later be “donated to charity.”

38. Rudy Giuliani

I know, I know. 9/11. But the man has far more qualifications than the way that he dealt with New York’s greatest tragedy. That’s just what will win over the Republicans. I strongly feel that HIS experience as mayor has given him plenty of expertise that will help our nation overall. He had to deal with failing public schools, illegal immigrant problems, and gay rights. He went the right way (which would actually be the left way) on that last one. And let’s not forget that before he was even mayor, he showed Wall Street what was up as an attorney. I mean, if Wall Street is scared of anyone, it’s Rudy. One word from him and they’ll make the stock market spike upward immediately. Shhhhh…I can dream.

37. Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo has come a long way from his past of screaming preteen girls from the early nineties. First of all, when you go to the man’s website, he has two sides: Leo the movie star and Leo’s environmental causes. He loves green things and hates global warming, but then he also manages to donate plenty of his moolah to the children as well. AND he’s planning on creating an eco-friendly resort on his island in Belize. If we’re nice and elect him president, maybe he’ll let us visit there without a passport. That’d be nice. Plus, as the 5th highest paid actor in Hollywood, he’s probably the one of the few people keeping our economy afloat. After he pays to save some more trees.

William Shatner, Match.com, and Mario

42. William Shatner

Shatner is the effing man. For those of you who disagree, please note that in his career, he has played a Star Trek captain, a bad-ass detective, and the head of the Dodgeball National League. I mean, he’s got all the areas covered as far as experience goes. Judicial branch? TJ Hooker. Executive branch? Dodgeball takes a lot of executive qualities to even play, let alone rule over. Legislative branch? Okay, well I don’t care if he’s never been in the senate, he was freaking Captain Kirk, ok? He went where NO man had ever gone before and then came back to Earth to teach us his speak-singing ways. I mean, the best part of Shatner being elected would be that he would allow us to use his rendition of ‘Common People’ as our new, middle-class friendly national anthem. 

41. Match.com

According to their commercial, eHarmony helps people find their true soul mates online. Now, I know there are those who doubt its abilities to actually help people (see http://glowormwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/09/10/your-soulmate-is-not-waiting-for-you-online/), but I happen to believe that the American people aren’t REALLY looking for a soul mate. We want someone to help us now, to make sure that we don’t choke to death, alone in our apartments except for our cats, who will eventually be hungry. And so I enlist Match.com to give us what we need. A 700 million person bailout plan for our television-stunted society. I mean, why go to a bar and go through the motions ourselves (Oh, my God, you have a Mac? I have a Mac. You wanna come back to my apartment and see it? It’s on my desk, which is next to my king-size bed with silk sheets and a pillow-top mattress.) when we can just hire a service to do it for us? Once we’re all happy in our Ikea-filled living rooms watching Grey’s Anatomy or laughing at the new Tyler Perry film while we wait for our Domino’s pizza, we won’t care that our economy’s crap, the rest of the world hates us, and that soon we’ll be bankrupt because our birth control prescription costs are rising to new heights without any sort of healthcare reform. Welcome to 100% approval ratings, Match.com. And hey, if we don’t like it, we can just cancel before our free trial expires.

40. Mario

This pudgy little Italian man is quite possibly the most skilled video game character in the world. Not only does he do puzzles, race go carts, defeat evil and rescue the princess, but he also cooks a mean lasagna. He would also be the happiest president we’ve ever had. I can just see him now, walking into a tense world leaders summit and putting the world at ease with his greeting. “It’s a-me! The President!” Immediate relief would fill the others. This relief would also extend to the American people, but for more reason than his adorable catch phrases. Can you imagine what having a man who’s sold over 285 million units of his video games will do for America’s economy? We’ll pull the whole world out of the gutter. The only problem I can see is that Obama, being the wily fox that he is, might see through Mario’s beard of a relationship with Princess Peach and out Mario and Luigi as the longest gay relationship in video game history. They’re not really brothers, but “brothers,” you know?