That one guy, that one actor, and that one computer genius

48. That one guy you knew in high school

I feel confident in saying that everyone knew that one guy in high school who had world domination (or at least presidential) daydreams. In my case, that one guy was actually pretty smart – but mostly ridiculously funny. He went to college at Tulane, so I feel fairly confident that he’s getting a decent education that might allow him to pursue the presidency one day. Let’s put it this way, he’s smart enough not to tell third graders that he runs the Senate and funny enough to entertain us for the next 4-8 years. The one downside is that people who are not raised in a political background tend to want world domination. You’re nodding at home, I know. But this isn’t a problem as long as they actually succeed in conquering the world. I feel like my guy definitely would, considering that his plan involves banishing people to the sun. How about yours? Too bad we can’t vote for him now…guess we just have to hope there’s an America to have an election by the time they’re old enough.

47. Daniel Radcliffe

I have already gotten the comments that some of the people on this list aren’t actually able to be elected because they’re “from another country.” Yeah, and? See, I feel like perhaps this country has screwed up enough, and we need some outside influence to give us a little perspective. Danny boy here actually managed to make the leap this year from The Boy Who Lived to screwed-up-boy-who-loves-horses. And now Equus has come from the London stage to the New York stage. If he can deal with being the youngest person to ever be put in the National Portrait Gallery in Britain as an individual, he can deal with being the youngest American president, too. Plus, the next time that we get attacked by terrorists, he can just protect us with a wave of his wand. (I had to.)

46. Steve Jobs

Apple is taking over the world. For reals. The media already loves Apple, possibly because the University of Missouri makes all their journalists buy it and we’re the shit, which means that it’s only a matter of time until WalMart joins up and it’s all over for PCs. It’ll happen, they’re connected to Disney, and Disney already rules the world of 10 and under. Which is why we need Steve Jobs as our president. We need someone who is ready for the future. We need someone who can challenge what everyone’s used to and switch them to a new operating system government. We need someone who can sell us to the rest of the world. This person is Steve Jobs. Can you imagine a commercial that starts out, “Hi, I’m America. And I’m a terrorist.” Plus, I’m pretty sure that we might be able to convince him to give us all a wicked discount on iPods. Hells yes.

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3 responses to “That one guy, that one actor, and that one computer genius

  1. Steve Jobs has cancer – his days are numbered. What will become of Apple? What will our world be like without Steve Jobs to put technology in our hands that shows us the fruit of higher standards and the pursuit of excellence? Four years of Steve Jobs running this country would surely eliminate some of the mediocrity that plagues our government. Even if it was his last four years it could be his best. Discounts on iPods wouldn’t be bad either.

  2. He did survive the trauma of being fired and rehired by Apple, so I feel like he could handle pressure.

  3. You’re right about the Wal-Mart thing . . . once the biggest retailer on the planet is on board, there’s nothing that can stop you.

    And if you want Columbia, Missouri, all you really need is the J-School and Wal-Mart on board. For real.

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