57. Mr. Rogers
Although Mr. Rogers has gone on the the neighborhood in the sky, we could hire some people to go over all of his shows and make decisions based on the advice that he gives children. Because that’s what America is – a nation of giant children. And yeah, I’m aware that he’s old, even in most of the show, but he doesn’t have that terrifying mummy look that turns people off McCain. He wears sweaters. Sweater-wearing old men aren’t scary, they’re adorable and snuggly. Which is why when he appeared in a court of law (on behalf of VCRs) or in front of Congress on numerous occasions, they always sided with him. He has a delightful agreeableness about him that is unable to be denied, even by the most unpleasant of people. Dude, if America started out every peace negotiation with, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I feel like the foreign dignitaries would say, “Sure, sounds awesome. Let’s not fight. Hug it out?” And they would.
56. Tina Fey
Did you see Saturday Night Live a couple of nights ago? Or perhaps online? Because I did. And it was fabulous. I think that Tina has done THE most excellent job this season with her spoofs of Gov. Sarah Palin, because she’s actually using Palin’s own words. In fact, by the time that Sarah Palin showed up on Saturday, there wasn’t a whole lot for her to do except stand idly by as Alec Baldwin, Fey, and Amy Poehler made fun of her. But Tina Fey also has legit qualifications. Like the ability to have a baby, make a movie, and start a TV series all at the same time. If she can balance those three things, then she should be able to balance Congress, the economy, and the war in Iraq. Plus, she gets increasingly funny when cornered. Much better than getting increasingly adorable, because she’ll be able to mock herself.
And for those of you who think Gov. Palin should be president? Take a look at the future you propose: http://www.palinaspresident.us/
55. The Red Sox
Shut your face, I know they just lost. But that’s why it’s perfect, see? Now they’re free. I think that the Red Sox as a functioning unit could pretty much take over the US government. I would make Jason Varitek the Prez himself (after all, he is team captain) so that Francona could be the Secretary of Defense. I toyed with the idea of Francona as commander-in-chief, but he’s just too much of a bamf. He’d intimidate the other world leaders with his ability to stare them down while still chewing heartily on a ginormous piece of bubble gum. In addition, I’d nominate Coco Crisp for VP because how awesome would it be to have a cereal as our VP (jk, Coco, I adore you, have your jersey). Then I’d just HAVE to make Big Papi our Secretary of State because he’s large and pleasant with a decidedly un-American accent. And considering how Americans are perceived abroad, it’s probably best if people can pretend our Secretary of State ISN’T American. The amazing thing about the Red Sox is that they are always entertaining. They might lose in the end, but they make a hell of a show of it. And that’s what we need right now, someone entertaining who pulls out all the stops and occasionally gets a win. At least one win per 4-year term, is that too much to ask? Coco says no.