66. Dog the Bounty Hunter
For those of you who are not aware, Dog is actually a person. His full name is Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman and he works for a bail bonds agency in Hawaii. How have I heard of him? He has a show (on A&E, but shhhh…don’t tell anyone I watch that channel) following his daily routine: finding criminals who haven’t paid their bail bond and bringing them in. I realize that in suggesting him for presidency, his record of 18 armed robbery and one first degree murder convictions might come up. But here’s my argument: more than anything, America LOVES a reformed sinner. It’s even better if this reformed sinner is religious, which the Dog is. He’s bringing in the people who are sinking this economy by not paying their dues everyday, and I’d love to hear his plan for getting us out of Iraq. Admittedly, he doesn’t have the greatest foreign policy reputation since his Mexico arrest, but I feel that at least he has experience. AND he can see international waters from his house.
65. George Mitchell
George Mitchell is on this list for three reasons. One, he has experience in politics AND business. Mitchell served in the Senate (for Maine) for fourteen years. When he chose to leave the senate, President Bill Clinton asked him to assist Northern Ireland with resolving its conflicts. Through his efforts, the Good Friday agreement was produced, without any US military action (astounding, we can bring peace WITHOUT death sometimes). In addition to political success, he’s also been on the Board of Directors for the Boston Red Sox and the was Chairman of the Board for Disney from Eisner’s 2004 resignation to 2007. Two, even though he’s older than McCain, the man left politics in 1995. He got out while he was ahead, before he developed the ability to make inane decisions like picking some obscure politician as your running mate based on her gender. Three, he made baseball an honest sport again. That’s right, he’s the man who made the list of those 89 professional baseball players using prohibited substances to boost performance. He didn’t allow himself to be smooth-talked by anyone, not even Andy Pettitte. Of course, these players all later admitted their mistakes and were forgiven without question or further mention by the American people. It’s the American way. All but Clemens, that is…which leads me to ask…how long has Roger Clemens been harboring anti-American ideals?
64. Sam Gosling
Sam Gosling is the author of an incredibly insightful book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. I know, not the most academic of titles, but I hear that America’s against elitism these days. Gosling runs the Gosling Lab (shocker, I know) at the University of Texas – Austin’s psychology department. There, they study “how personality is revealed in real-world contexts of everyday life,” according to their website. In other words, they study the way that people construct their environments (offices, bedrooms, musical playlists, etc) and study what it says about that person’s personality. It’s a little complicated to explain on a blog, but let’s just say that I think it would be a TREMENDOUS asset to have a president with these kinds of skills. I mean, let’s say President Gosling walks into the office of Kim Jong-il and can tell what kind of personality he has, how he can get under his skin, and what behaviors to avoid. Then, magically, the US manages to convince North Korea to outsource half their jobs to the US and give us a loan to cover the bailout, as well as become our international “bus buddy.” Wouldn’t that be fabulous?