William Shatner, Match.com, and Mario

42. William Shatner

Shatner is the effing man. For those of you who disagree, please note that in his career, he has played a Star Trek captain, a bad-ass detective, and the head of the Dodgeball National League. I mean, he’s got all the areas covered as far as experience goes. Judicial branch? TJ Hooker. Executive branch? Dodgeball takes a lot of executive qualities to even play, let alone rule over. Legislative branch? Okay, well I don’t care if he’s never been in the senate, he was freaking Captain Kirk, ok? He went where NO man had ever gone before and then came back to Earth to teach us his speak-singing ways. I mean, the best part of Shatner being elected would be that he would allow us to use his rendition of ‘Common People’ as our new, middle-class friendly national anthem. 

41. Match.com

According to their commercial, eHarmony helps people find their true soul mates online. Now, I know there are those who doubt its abilities to actually help people (see http://glowormwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/09/10/your-soulmate-is-not-waiting-for-you-online/), but I happen to believe that the American people aren’t REALLY looking for a soul mate. We want someone to help us now, to make sure that we don’t choke to death, alone in our apartments except for our cats, who will eventually be hungry. And so I enlist Match.com to give us what we need. A 700 million person bailout plan for our television-stunted society. I mean, why go to a bar and go through the motions ourselves (Oh, my God, you have a Mac? I have a Mac. You wanna come back to my apartment and see it? It’s on my desk, which is next to my king-size bed with silk sheets and a pillow-top mattress.) when we can just hire a service to do it for us? Once we’re all happy in our Ikea-filled living rooms watching Grey’s Anatomy or laughing at the new Tyler Perry film while we wait for our Domino’s pizza, we won’t care that our economy’s crap, the rest of the world hates us, and that soon we’ll be bankrupt because our birth control prescription costs are rising to new heights without any sort of healthcare reform. Welcome to 100% approval ratings, Match.com. And hey, if we don’t like it, we can just cancel before our free trial expires.

40. Mario

This pudgy little Italian man is quite possibly the most skilled video game character in the world. Not only does he do puzzles, race go carts, defeat evil and rescue the princess, but he also cooks a mean lasagna. He would also be the happiest president we’ve ever had. I can just see him now, walking into a tense world leaders summit and putting the world at ease with his greeting. “It’s a-me! The President!” Immediate relief would fill the others. This relief would also extend to the American people, but for more reason than his adorable catch phrases. Can you imagine what having a man who’s sold over 285 million units of his video games will do for America’s economy? We’ll pull the whole world out of the gutter. The only problem I can see is that Obama, being the wily fox that he is, might see through Mario’s beard of a relationship with Princess Peach and out Mario and Luigi as the longest gay relationship in video game history. They’re not really brothers, but “brothers,” you know?

Helvetica, Dr. Phil, and Janeway

Because I missed yesterday, there are two for today. Enjoy, chillins.

60. Gary Hustwit

Because a font cannot speak for itself, let alone rule the US, I have to use Gary Hustwit as its acting commander-in-chief. Helvetica is everywhere. You may or may not have seen Helvetica up to 2000 times today. It just depends on if you work in design/journalism or if you just take care of sick people all day. Hustwit made the movie about the world’s most popular font, and to do that he had to study its power and sex appeal. The secret? Swiss design. Because Hustwit understands the font that rules the world better than anyone, he will be able to convince world leaders to do anything he wants. All he has to do is print his proposal in Helvetica and the other guy’s in Copperplate Bold. They won’t have a chance.

59. Dr. Phil

I hate Dr. Phil. But for some reason, the rest of America seems to love him. The secret to his popularity isn’t hard to figure out. People aren’t huge fans of elitists, they want someone that they would feel comfortable grabbing a beer (or eight) with. How else can we explain the last eight years? Dr. Phil’s down-home accent and no-crap attitude are appealing to the general population. He could care less about people’s mothers, and they are thankful for it. They don’t want to talk about anything but themselves. So go ahead America, elect Dr. Phil. He’d be there to listen to the entire nation’s concerns, and to tell them to ‘get real’ about their finances, the healthcare reform, and the fact that their kids need decent sex ed. There may not be a lot of progress, but at least we’d all know where we stand.

58. Captain Janeway

My nerd is showing, I know, so shush. In life, I think that everyone has to let their nerd out every now and again. For those of you who aren’t doomed to a life of embarrassment whenever people reference ‘Trekkies’ because of a childhood phase, Captain Janeway is captain of Voyager, the Star Trek series of the nineties. Lame? Yes. But I fully believe that any woman who can safely guide her ship through another quadrant for years and years just to bring them home while only using a few no-name crew members is fully capable of running the country. She believes in equality for all people and takes care of her own, even when resources are in short supply. America could probably do with a little Prime Directive, which states that cultures should be left to their own devices in almost all cases. Plus, I mean, she could bring us all the sweet future technology, you know, since she’d have to time travel to be our president. And become real…