Kermit, YouTube, and Pickens

33. Kermit

Oh, Kermie. You know just what this country needs. And someday we’ll find it. The Rainbow Connection? The lover, the dreamer, and you. In addition to his delightful assessment of our need to dream big, reach for the stars, be all that we can be (oh yes, Kermit related to the education system AND the army in one song), Kermit also knows the secret to one of the biggest challenges we face as Americans. The environment and living with a reduced footprint. Kermit knows the challenges that we face in adapting to our environment. After all, the only song that is better known than ‘Rainbow Connection’ in the Muppet World is his own little motto: It Isn’t Easy Being Green. True dat, Kermie. I know that a lot of people think the song is talking about “being okay with who you are,” but I know the truth. Kermit was way ahead of his time. I mean, that line about being big like the ocean and tall as a tree? Helloo, he could have used as big as the Superdome or as tall as the Statue of Liberty, but he didn’t he went with the natural, organic alternatives. Sure, he was talking about loving himself, too, but loving himself as an environmentalist. Batman’s not the only place for double-meanings, you know. He’ll teach the world how to be green. I guarantee it. And then he won’t have to be so self-conscious about loving the environment.

32. YouTube

For those of you who have stumbled on to this site while searching for McCain supporters and are still reading, I’ll go ahead and explain what YouTube is in 20 words or less. It’s on the internet, and people post videos of themselves doing idiotic things for others to watch. Pretty much it. If you’re not sure what the internet is, then I can’t help you. Sorry. Now, those of you who are living in the 21st century with me are currently wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work. Simple. It’s kind of like the “magic 8 ball” philosophy. When there is a decision to be made, we’ll just input the question into the search bar and see what comes up. For example, if you input: “Opinion on Bailout,” you get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbzMr6hSF0. It’s a foreign opinion on the bailout. Of course, we’ll need a panel to help us interpret YouTube’s divine decision, but that’s what we have Congress for, right?

31. T. Boone Pickens

Everyone in Texas knows who this man is and also knows why he should be president. But for those of you who have no Tejas ties, I will do my best to explain it to you. T. Boone is a badass. I can just see him now, meeting foreign dignitaries and putting them immediately at ease with, “How you doin’ Ol’ Putin?” I think Vlad would be into that. It’s real. It’s genial. And let’s just go ahead and put it out there: he’s in oil (BP oil, to be exact). But he’s also in wind energy. He’s spending billions of his own money in order to make wind farms in Texas (check out Pampa, Tx), and has a legit plan for making the US less dependent on oil, more dependent on natural gas and wind energy. He even drives a car fueled by natural gas. With T. Boone Pickens, Texas is asking for a second chance at giving America a good president. We promise to get it right this time.

Dalai Lama, Ralph Nader and Batman

I know, I know, I’m really late with this one, but tomorrow’s is going to be extra-good to compensate.

36. Dalai Lama

If you’re thinking that this is a cliche, then you clearly already realize that he’s a great world leader. His Holiness might be a controversial figure, since he’s the current spiritual leader of Buddhism and all, but despite the fact that our money would read “In Buddha We Trust,” I know that he would be a kick-ass leader. Let’s review the man’s record. He’s never started a war, in fact he went into exile when his people were taken over in Tibet. Now, you might see this as a weakness, but I see this as a refusal to endorse violence, and I’m all about that. Plus, it’s really a win-win situation. Not only do we get a ridiculously wise and calm leader who’s never had a relationship scandal, but he also gets to live somewhere NOT in exile. Plus, last year we gave him a US Congressional Gold Medal. This is our chance to reclaim our outsourced honor and bring the medal home. 

35. Ralph Nader

Nader knows what it takes to lose an election. And I gotta say, it takes a lot of guts to keep on coming back every four years. I mean, can you think of a single Olympic athlete who’s lost through 3 Olympics cycles and still come back for more? I can’t. That’s what America needs. Not a loser – perseverence. Now, I know he’s from Connecticut, but we’ll try not to hold that against him, since he chose to leave the state for college (Princeton then Harvard Law). He’s a friend to non-profits and causes, which would be a huge change from having a president who quietly puts down half the causes his wife publicly works toward. I mean, the man founded NGO. How much more does he have to do to convince you that he cares about people? Appear on Sesame Street? Oh, wait, he did that. Thanks, 1988.

34. Batman

Many people have suggested that the man in black would be a good solution to our current political problem. I agree. He’s been syndicated in more than 10 languages all over the world, so people of other nations know his good deeds. And let’s not forget the films that they’ve also more than likely seen, much better than the Michael Moore films they’ve seen of Bush. I feel like McCain was also in at least one of those… Anyhow, Batman would definitely help with crime control. Of course, in order to protect the entire nation, Batman would need to take some lessons on time management from Santa Clause. But since he’ll only be teaching him about how to visit thousands of homes (or crime sites) a night and not how to make his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly, I think it’s something he could learn during his short tenure as President Elect. Robin, of course, will be a non-threatening VP choice. He’s psyched. Holy craters, Batman! Does this mean that we can finally legalize gay marriage and have that white wedding I’ve been dreaming about? Oh, Master Dick. If only Alfred were around to keep you in check.