Artemis, Bill, the Chicks and Brangelina

Today there are 4, tomorrow and until November 4, there will be 5 a day. Enjoy the last few posts.

24. Artemis Fowl

Harry Potter has nothing on this boy genius. For those of you who haven’t read the Artemis Fowl books by Eoin Colfer because you stick to only your highest reading level, you’re missing out. Arty, the brainiac 14-year-old child of a crooked billionaire, not only has the highest IQ in Ireland on hie side, but also a few tricks of fairy magic he stole/finagled from his fairy friends throughout the series. Now, before you think I’m going to let the Irish mob run our country, I should point out to you that Artemis has learned the importance of kindness and other people throughout the series. I feel very confident that he would not only be able to transfer his skills into making out economy successful again, but also support s functioning healthcare program and end the war in Iraq. With a little help from his trusty bodyguard Butler and Butler’s “business associates,” aka army of professional assassins. And don’t even try to tell me there’s an age issue, because if Artemis is 14, that makes him at least 9 years older than our current president.

23. Bill Clinton

C’mon. You know the last time that this nation was truly happy was when the biggest political scandal we had to worry about focused around Bill’s zipper. Reasons why we need a return to the four years he was in office:

• He was president during the longest peacetime economic expansion in the nation’s history.
• He left office with a surplus of $559 billion.
• His approval rating was 65% when he left. That’s after the scandal.
• He created a foundation for the prevention of AIDS/HIV and global warming.
• He signed the Family and Medical Leave Act in his first term, imagine what he could do with another 8 years.
• Foreign nations loved him. A far cry from the feelings they have toward any Republicans now.

We’ll just have to make sure that all his interns are men. 

22. Dixie Chicks

Remember back in 2003 when everyone thought that Natalie Maines had made a huge career mistake by saying ”We don’t want this war, this violence; and, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas?” I do. And now look at what we’re saying. Natalie and the other ladies in the Dixie Chicks (Martie Maguire and Emily Robison, they’re not to be underestimated) anticipated the country’s needs and opinions, they just had a little bit of a timing issue. It happens to the best of us. But you know, clearly they’re against domestic violence (check out “Goodbye Earl”) and for development of the arts, so I think that our money will go to the right places. I have to say, when I saw Martie and Emily play with two other ladies at the Mesquite Balloon Festival many years ago, before Natalie  joined the group, I said to myself, If only they had political insight, they’d be a hit band. I was very insightful myself, especially for a second grader.

21. Brangelina

I know, I know, but I’m only using their joint name to make them more viable as a candidate, clearly. I’m nominating Brad and Angelina because they have done an absolutely stellar job of cleaning up after America’s failures. Before they got together, they each did their part to help out the greater good. Brad dropped out of the J-school at Mizzou (possibly his greatest contribution to society), became incredibly hot (it’s a charity I’m thankful for every day), and supported causes such as AIDS research and ending the crisis in Darfur. Angelina is a UN Goodwill Ambassador, also looks just as attractive as Brad, and she founded the National Center for Refugee and Immigrant Children. As for their lives together, they continue to adopt children as well as make beautiful babies when they’re not busy changing the world in other ways. They work together on the ‘Make It Right’ campaign in home of New Orleans, giving homes to people who lost theirs to Hurricane Katrina. This makes them better than FEMA, or at least as good as. Finally, Brad donated $100,000 to fight the legislation overturning legalized same-sex marriage in California this year, which makes him more willing to stand up for the rights of John McCain’s daughter than McCain himself. Yeah. I said it. What now, dinosaur man?

Reflections

Before I post today’s nominations, I want to take a minute to reflect on last night’s Obama rally. Did I get to see him? Kind of. Once. I think it was him.. But there were like 10,000 people in front of me, so maybe I was wrong. But the good news is that I saw him through the tilting view screen of my camera (thank you, Canon). And his half-hour speech was worth standing and waiting for 4.5 hours to see.

To give you a taste of what resonated with me, here are the quotes I wrote on my hand/arm last night.

• “You don’t need to boo, you just need to vote!” (in response to the crowd booing a mention of John McCain.
• “We want every dingle person to have opportunity”
• “You have any idea what this guy stands for?” crowd: No! “Because he spends all his time talking about me!” my roommate: Because you’re hot!
• “They haven’t served a red America or a blue America, they’ve served the United States of America!”

Seriously, I had tears in my eyes at points. I know he’s a politician and it’s his job to be smooth, but I can’t help hoping that at least 25% of the things he wants to accomplish in office will happen, because it would make the world a better place.

IMPORTANT! well, kinda…

Obama is going to be in the city of Columbia, Missouri tonight. If you haven’t already heard you clearly don’t live in CoMo. But it’s important because that is where I will be this evening, which means I might be too busy to actually post tomorrow with Halloween coming up. I’ll do my best, though. 

Until then, fight the good fight, lovers. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which one is good.

Walken, Gates, and a pair of jokers

27. Christopher Walken

People, this nation needs more cowbell. Christopher Walken knows this, and he’s been working tirelessly to promote the popularity of cowbell in our schools. Okay, maybe not, but if he were president I’m sure that he would. And why am I so sure about all that? Because Christopher Walken is an equal opportunity actor. He doesn’t turn down any role, no matter how awful or humiliating. I mean, how else do you explain a triple-threat like him ending up in a movie like Joe Dirt? You can’t. But really, I think that General Mayhem had the right idea about making him run for president. His cult following would vote for him just because, but the rest of us would vote for his slogan. “No More Zoos!”

Also, as a sidenote, if you’d like to add more cowbell to your life, I suggest visiting http://www.morecowbell.dj/. You won’t regret it. 

26. Melinda Gates

Don’t be surprised that Bill Gates didn’t make the list. He’s just too freaking busy trying to ward off Steve Jobs to be president. But he’d make a good First Gentleman, so it’s not really a problem to nominate Melinda here. Melinda is right there in the title of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which means that she’s not afraid to use her name and her money to promote education and access to technology in the US as well as enhance worldwide healthcare. A lot of the time, global charities are passed over for a more localized impact, but in this case, Melinda’s organization takes on issues abroad as well as here at home. And if you don’t think that she has the killer instinct to run the country, let’s remember that she was born in Dallas. We’re kind of betches, but we can take care of ourselves.

25. Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein

Have you ever wondered exactly what the meaning of “is” is? If you have, then you should write in ‘Bill Clinton’ this year, but if you’re pretty sure you’ve got basic vocabulary down, you might want to give this pair a chance. Cathcart and Klein wrote the book Aristotle and an Aardvark Go To Washington in an effort to help people understand not only what political double-speak means, but how easy it is to fall into it. And they do it all with jokes. How fabulous is that? If only they could explain the “the VP’s in charge of the senate” comment to us. The one explanation they can’t give us, however, is WHY politicians do it. Is it a perceived stupidity on our part or are we simply electing idiots? Maybe if we send them to the White House, they’ll have an answer for us.

The Count, George Clooney and Oprah

30. The Count of Montecristo

I’m paying homage to Amazon’s number 1 seller in classics with this nomination. Honestly, I think that the Count would be a fab president. He definitely is the epitome of pulling himself out of the gutter to be a strong, contributing member of society. And he’s already had the experience to make him realize that violence isn’t the answer. I mean, you’d think that with all of McCain’s 72 years, he would have figured that out by now…What’s that McCain? Oh, oh you were a prisoner of war? Well, did you lose your wife to an old friend? No? Did you escape a wrongful imprisonment by faking your own death? No? Did you seek vengeance on everyone that wronged you and eventually show some mercy before leaving all your wealth to someone more deserving? No? Pssh. And you call yourself a maverick.

29. George Clooney

I think that Roseanne Barr said it best in an article for Time: “He can drink too much and still, while standing in a bar parking lot at 3am, discuss the world with such passion and good sense that you actually stop imagining him nude and really listen. Simply as I can put it, George can run for president (and maybe should) and get my vote.” If you’ve got Roseanne’s vote, I think you’ve pretty much got the middle class. I can’t do George justice on my own. The only drawback that I can really find is that he wouldn’t have a first lady, but I’m pretty sure there are a few actresses in Hollywood that could step into the role if called upon. And I mean, just because there are times when we would stop picturing him naked doesn’t mean we couldn’t ever picture it. As my own personal contribution to this segment, I would like George Clooney to be our next president because I would enjoy a strip club look-alike contest far better if it were based on him and not some crazy Alaskan. http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/10/29/strip-club-holds-sarah-palin-lookalike-contest/. He’s too sexy for the presidency, not just his shirt.

28. Oprah

Have you been alive in the United States since 1986? Because Oprah has ruled the nation for the past 22 years. Now, I’m not Oprah’s biggest fan, or really her fan at all. But I can’t deny the power that she has over the American population. She’s been called the world’s most influential woman time and time again. Everything she touches is gold, okay? She’s got her own magazine, her own television show, her own radio channel (XM, of course), and she is currently working on developing her own television channel. Is there anything that this woman can’t do? And the best part about her is that she inspires others to copy her every move. If Oprah reads a book, we all read that book. If Oprah starts eating healthy, we all start eating healthy.  Even people who don’t like charity love Oprah, because while she manages to take on important causes like world hunger and poverty, she doesn’t forget to give back to the people in her home country. Remember when she gave her studio audience new cars? What if she became president and gave the whole nation new eco-friendly cars? It’s a win-win.

Kermit, YouTube, and Pickens

33. Kermit

Oh, Kermie. You know just what this country needs. And someday we’ll find it. The Rainbow Connection? The lover, the dreamer, and you. In addition to his delightful assessment of our need to dream big, reach for the stars, be all that we can be (oh yes, Kermit related to the education system AND the army in one song), Kermit also knows the secret to one of the biggest challenges we face as Americans. The environment and living with a reduced footprint. Kermit knows the challenges that we face in adapting to our environment. After all, the only song that is better known than ‘Rainbow Connection’ in the Muppet World is his own little motto: It Isn’t Easy Being Green. True dat, Kermie. I know that a lot of people think the song is talking about “being okay with who you are,” but I know the truth. Kermit was way ahead of his time. I mean, that line about being big like the ocean and tall as a tree? Helloo, he could have used as big as the Superdome or as tall as the Statue of Liberty, but he didn’t he went with the natural, organic alternatives. Sure, he was talking about loving himself, too, but loving himself as an environmentalist. Batman’s not the only place for double-meanings, you know. He’ll teach the world how to be green. I guarantee it. And then he won’t have to be so self-conscious about loving the environment.

32. YouTube

For those of you who have stumbled on to this site while searching for McCain supporters and are still reading, I’ll go ahead and explain what YouTube is in 20 words or less. It’s on the internet, and people post videos of themselves doing idiotic things for others to watch. Pretty much it. If you’re not sure what the internet is, then I can’t help you. Sorry. Now, those of you who are living in the 21st century with me are currently wondering how the hell I’m going to make this work. Simple. It’s kind of like the “magic 8 ball” philosophy. When there is a decision to be made, we’ll just input the question into the search bar and see what comes up. For example, if you input: “Opinion on Bailout,” you get this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gbzMr6hSF0. It’s a foreign opinion on the bailout. Of course, we’ll need a panel to help us interpret YouTube’s divine decision, but that’s what we have Congress for, right?

31. T. Boone Pickens

Everyone in Texas knows who this man is and also knows why he should be president. But for those of you who have no Tejas ties, I will do my best to explain it to you. T. Boone is a badass. I can just see him now, meeting foreign dignitaries and putting them immediately at ease with, “How you doin’ Ol’ Putin?” I think Vlad would be into that. It’s real. It’s genial. And let’s just go ahead and put it out there: he’s in oil (BP oil, to be exact). But he’s also in wind energy. He’s spending billions of his own money in order to make wind farms in Texas (check out Pampa, Tx), and has a legit plan for making the US less dependent on oil, more dependent on natural gas and wind energy. He even drives a car fueled by natural gas. With T. Boone Pickens, Texas is asking for a second chance at giving America a good president. We promise to get it right this time.

Dalai Lama, Ralph Nader and Batman

I know, I know, I’m really late with this one, but tomorrow’s is going to be extra-good to compensate.

36. Dalai Lama

If you’re thinking that this is a cliche, then you clearly already realize that he’s a great world leader. His Holiness might be a controversial figure, since he’s the current spiritual leader of Buddhism and all, but despite the fact that our money would read “In Buddha We Trust,” I know that he would be a kick-ass leader. Let’s review the man’s record. He’s never started a war, in fact he went into exile when his people were taken over in Tibet. Now, you might see this as a weakness, but I see this as a refusal to endorse violence, and I’m all about that. Plus, it’s really a win-win situation. Not only do we get a ridiculously wise and calm leader who’s never had a relationship scandal, but he also gets to live somewhere NOT in exile. Plus, last year we gave him a US Congressional Gold Medal. This is our chance to reclaim our outsourced honor and bring the medal home. 

35. Ralph Nader

Nader knows what it takes to lose an election. And I gotta say, it takes a lot of guts to keep on coming back every four years. I mean, can you think of a single Olympic athlete who’s lost through 3 Olympics cycles and still come back for more? I can’t. That’s what America needs. Not a loser – perseverence. Now, I know he’s from Connecticut, but we’ll try not to hold that against him, since he chose to leave the state for college (Princeton then Harvard Law). He’s a friend to non-profits and causes, which would be a huge change from having a president who quietly puts down half the causes his wife publicly works toward. I mean, the man founded NGO. How much more does he have to do to convince you that he cares about people? Appear on Sesame Street? Oh, wait, he did that. Thanks, 1988.

34. Batman

Many people have suggested that the man in black would be a good solution to our current political problem. I agree. He’s been syndicated in more than 10 languages all over the world, so people of other nations know his good deeds. And let’s not forget the films that they’ve also more than likely seen, much better than the Michael Moore films they’ve seen of Bush. I feel like McCain was also in at least one of those… Anyhow, Batman would definitely help with crime control. Of course, in order to protect the entire nation, Batman would need to take some lessons on time management from Santa Clause. But since he’ll only be teaching him about how to visit thousands of homes (or crime sites) a night and not how to make his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly, I think it’s something he could learn during his short tenure as President Elect. Robin, of course, will be a non-threatening VP choice. He’s psyched. Holy craters, Batman! Does this mean that we can finally legalize gay marriage and have that white wedding I’ve been dreaming about? Oh, Master Dick. If only Alfred were around to keep you in check.

M.I.A., Rudy, and Leo

39. M.I.A.

I wish that I could say you’d been living in a cave if you haven’t heard of M.I.A., but I can’t. The thing with so-called “world music” is that it’s never going to be very popular. M.I.A., however, has managed to make a small name for herself even here in America (she lives in England). I’m going to credit her slight popularity to her willingness to make very strong political statements with her songs. If you’re interested in hearing her music, I suggest you go ahead and check out her website. Her tunes may not be quite as catchy as ‘Womanizer,’ but check out the words in ‘Boyz.’ A pop princess would never write such a political statement. She’s clearly got a plan in mind for change, and I have to say that I can’t think of anyone more qualified as far as foreign culture experience goes, it won’t take much to make the leap to foreign policy. Also, might I point out that she has her own fashion line, which means that she’ll be MAKING money at clothing stores, not wasting it on clothes that will later be “donated to charity.”

38. Rudy Giuliani

I know, I know. 9/11. But the man has far more qualifications than the way that he dealt with New York’s greatest tragedy. That’s just what will win over the Republicans. I strongly feel that HIS experience as mayor has given him plenty of expertise that will help our nation overall. He had to deal with failing public schools, illegal immigrant problems, and gay rights. He went the right way (which would actually be the left way) on that last one. And let’s not forget that before he was even mayor, he showed Wall Street what was up as an attorney. I mean, if Wall Street is scared of anyone, it’s Rudy. One word from him and they’ll make the stock market spike upward immediately. Shhhhh…I can dream.

37. Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo has come a long way from his past of screaming preteen girls from the early nineties. First of all, when you go to the man’s website, he has two sides: Leo the movie star and Leo’s environmental causes. He loves green things and hates global warming, but then he also manages to donate plenty of his moolah to the children as well. AND he’s planning on creating an eco-friendly resort on his island in Belize. If we’re nice and elect him president, maybe he’ll let us visit there without a passport. That’d be nice. Plus, as the 5th highest paid actor in Hollywood, he’s probably the one of the few people keeping our economy afloat. After he pays to save some more trees.

William Shatner, Match.com, and Mario

42. William Shatner

Shatner is the effing man. For those of you who disagree, please note that in his career, he has played a Star Trek captain, a bad-ass detective, and the head of the Dodgeball National League. I mean, he’s got all the areas covered as far as experience goes. Judicial branch? TJ Hooker. Executive branch? Dodgeball takes a lot of executive qualities to even play, let alone rule over. Legislative branch? Okay, well I don’t care if he’s never been in the senate, he was freaking Captain Kirk, ok? He went where NO man had ever gone before and then came back to Earth to teach us his speak-singing ways. I mean, the best part of Shatner being elected would be that he would allow us to use his rendition of ‘Common People’ as our new, middle-class friendly national anthem. 

41. Match.com

According to their commercial, eHarmony helps people find their true soul mates online. Now, I know there are those who doubt its abilities to actually help people (see http://glowormwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/09/10/your-soulmate-is-not-waiting-for-you-online/), but I happen to believe that the American people aren’t REALLY looking for a soul mate. We want someone to help us now, to make sure that we don’t choke to death, alone in our apartments except for our cats, who will eventually be hungry. And so I enlist Match.com to give us what we need. A 700 million person bailout plan for our television-stunted society. I mean, why go to a bar and go through the motions ourselves (Oh, my God, you have a Mac? I have a Mac. You wanna come back to my apartment and see it? It’s on my desk, which is next to my king-size bed with silk sheets and a pillow-top mattress.) when we can just hire a service to do it for us? Once we’re all happy in our Ikea-filled living rooms watching Grey’s Anatomy or laughing at the new Tyler Perry film while we wait for our Domino’s pizza, we won’t care that our economy’s crap, the rest of the world hates us, and that soon we’ll be bankrupt because our birth control prescription costs are rising to new heights without any sort of healthcare reform. Welcome to 100% approval ratings, Match.com. And hey, if we don’t like it, we can just cancel before our free trial expires.

40. Mario

This pudgy little Italian man is quite possibly the most skilled video game character in the world. Not only does he do puzzles, race go carts, defeat evil and rescue the princess, but he also cooks a mean lasagna. He would also be the happiest president we’ve ever had. I can just see him now, walking into a tense world leaders summit and putting the world at ease with his greeting. “It’s a-me! The President!” Immediate relief would fill the others. This relief would also extend to the American people, but for more reason than his adorable catch phrases. Can you imagine what having a man who’s sold over 285 million units of his video games will do for America’s economy? We’ll pull the whole world out of the gutter. The only problem I can see is that Obama, being the wily fox that he is, might see through Mario’s beard of a relationship with Princess Peach and out Mario and Luigi as the longest gay relationship in video game history. They’re not really brothers, but “brothers,” you know?

Kingster, Coopster, and Klinester

45. The Burger King man

Burger King’s commercials have entered my dreams since the minute I saw them. And not in a good way. I mean, clearly he has ruling experience, and he knows what the American people REALLY want (fried crap with trans fats), but those are small potatoes compared to the benefits that come with his physical appearance. His horrifying plastic head could scare the crap out of any terrorist he sees. I mean, we might be in trouble for torture, but if we could get away from it, we could convince those people in Guantanamo to tell the truth by sending our president to stare at them for hours on end. And his powers could be used for good, too. I mean, if you knew that you were going to sit through peace negotiations with that face staring at you the whole time, wouldn’t you make the peace asap? I know I would.

44. Anderson Cooper

I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself (and occasionally to others) “What does Anderson Cooper think he’s doing? That pale man is going to get himself killed.” And yet, as I type this, Anderson Cooper is 100% alive and kicking, running Anderson Cooper 360. He’s seen a lot of the world, from covering the death of Pope John Paul II to numerous natural disasters. He knows what’s up, he understands the place that America holds in the world, possibly better than either of the candidates. Obama will forgive me for that, I’m sure. And I think that the American people deserve someone who can see the big picture, the affect that we’re having on the global society. Plus, have you seen his piercing “don’t-give-me-any-crap” look? It works.

43. Kevin Kline

Mr. Kline is quite the accomplished actor, it’s true. He’s been in films such as A Fish Called Wanda, Soapdish, and A Prairie Home Companion. However, I’m not really so interested in the real him (no offense, you lovely man) because I feel that his role as Dave in (big surprise) Dave is the perfect president. I mean, he set things straight that needed to be righted by the previous president and accepted the blame for a lot of crap. What gives me a ridiculous amount of faith in the character of Dave is that he steps out of the picture when America needs him to. I mean, I cannot see John McCain stepping out of the picture if it was best for America, and if he did, we would be left with Sarah Palin. You know that woman’s not letting go of the presidency, because then she’d have to give back that $150,000 of clothes.